Question asked by Sarah D – How will I know if we’ll ever be in a relationship? Right now, I’m “kinda” with a man I’ve dated before. We once dated for a month, nothing serious, then about a year later, we got back together and remained so for around 7 months. Near the end we started fighting and with other complications, we split right before summer started. We talked every now and then but he always acted very impatient with me. Then in November, we hung out with each other and everything went very smoothly. We kissed some and he left the next day to California on vacation. Although while he was gone he would call me a lot and told me our kiss meant something to him.
So when he got back we started to hang out more, see each other a lot, and be physical again. We knew we weren’t in a relationship but told each other that we would try and work out our problems and have a possibility of getting back together. Then a month later after the college quarter started back up, he acted like he was losing interest, then one day, said that he liked the way things were, but didn’t want another relationship with me. And probably not with anyone else since he like being single. So I accepted it and we, in a way, continued. Till one day, I dropped him, stopped calling so much, stopped seeing him very much. He seemed like he wanted to talk to me more then. Were still physical, and I’m always seeming to be drawn to him, and lately the last few months we’ve been with each other have been great. We barely fight. We do more things together, go on dates, hold hands, tell one another we like each other, and everything, but he still tells people he’s single. He doesn’t like any other person, he doesn’t flirt, and is very sweet. But we’re not dating. And haven’t really talked about the possibility of that for a while. So what should I do? The physicalness is just seeming to confuse me now, and i like the way we are, he says that were pretty much in a relationship just without the title, how do i go about getting that? Is it worth this stage? I appreciate the friendship were building, but I don’t like being on hold. Is he using me? I don’t think so, but Maybe?
There are many couples who have an open ended relationship going, which does not require any commitment and there are no strings attached. There is a certain mind set required to operate in a open ended relationship, simply because it’s just about enjoying the company of a person without any commitment towards the relationship. Usually girls would prefer a “stable” relationship rather than an open-ended one, and most guys would also prefer the same. But there are certain men who prefer an “no strings attached” relationship, or an open-ended relationship, because they find it more hassle free.
Men who prefer open-ended relationship are usually the ones who want to keep their options open while also enjoying the benefit of having the girl’s company and physical intimacies. This way they can always move away from it without enduring the emotional outburst. Open-ended relationship is perfect for a guy who is not too sure of where he’s heading with respect to the girl. Guy’s who have a flickering mind, who are moody, who are indecisive and restless usually prefer to stay in a open relationship where they don’t have to commit to anything.
The problem with open-ended relationship however is that it doesn’t seem to be leading anywhere. Most people would prefer a certain structure and direction in their life and feel anxious in the absence of it. Girls are more prone to wanting security and stability in an intimate relationship because it helps them get a sense of direction about where their love life is heading. Very few girls opt for open-ended relationship; some may start out on that path for a while but soon feel the need to get some commitment going.
In most cases, a guy would enjoy an open-ended relationship as long as the girl seems committed to him. When the girl starts dating other guys or starts living life on her terms, the guy starts feeling insecure. Such guys are not really being fair to girl; they want the benefit of the open ended relationship while also wanting the girl to be committed to them as long as they are around. This seems to be the case in your relationship, as you mentioned that when you stopped calling him he came after you, wanting to spend more time with you. This shows that he wants you in his life, but he also want to protect his interest by not committing to a stable relationship.
It’s evident that you would prefer a stable relationship. It’s also evident that this guy is very temperamental, with vacillating moods and preferences. Such guys can be a recipe for disaster when it comes to maintaining a stable relationship, simply because they want the benefit of a stable relationship while also wanting their freedom from the commitment. He’s not using you, and he’s definitely a nice person, but his problem is that he is has a vacillating mind that can never get decided on anything. As long you let him be free, and don’t expect him to make any decisions or commitments, he will be happy. As you mentioned he stopped fighting with you when you agreed to allow him physical intimacy and other pleasures while also not expecting any commitment on his part. He loves the fact that you are there for him when he needs you, but you also allow him to stay “single”. So this is definitely working out for him, but unfortunately it’s not all sunshine for you.
Your partner is usually a reflection of who you are. This shows that may be you are also an “undecided” person who is not really sure of what you want from your life. Have you ever asked yourself – what is it that I really want from the relationship front? Do I want to be in an open-ended relationship or would I rather have something more stable? You will always get what you want, but you need to be clear about what you really want.
Your life is not anyone else’s responsibility. It’s entirely and totally your responsibility and you are fully accountable for your present life situation. So it’s not the question of whether he is using you, but it’s more about what do you want from a relationship? Of course, you are attracted to him because you are presently focused upon him, but you also need to understand that he may not be willing to commit at all – would you still want to pursue this relationship? It’s your life. If you want stability and commitment in a relationship, seek it. Either ask him to commit, and if he denies it, just move on to dating other guys. When he realizes that he might lose you, he might be willing to be more committed to the relationship, or may be he will also move on, either way at least you will be moving in the direction of what you really want.
On a gut level, based on what you have described about him, he is certainly in love with you and will commit to a relationship once you make your stand clear. Let him know that you want a stable relationship, and if he wants to claim he is “single” you have the same right too – so you have the liberty to start dating other guys. This will give him some food for thought, and get him to take a decision.