What’s Wrong With My Relationship?

Published on: June 20, 2015

Question asked by Sarah – I first went out with my boyfriend when I was at university. Afterwards we split up – mainly because I was insecure and also because neither of us were prepared to move to each other’s homes. He lives in a deprived area of England and I love in one of the most beautiful parts of the world.

However, I was so in love with him that I was not able to get over him so when he came to see me in India last year I was so excited (it had been 8 years). Neither of us had any serious relationships since uni – me because I had been travelling around and couldn’t get him out of my head. Him because he had a nervous breaksdown and I am not sure what else. True to form we had a wonderful holiday romance, it felt like we had never been apart and he asked me if I wanted to move to England and live with him.

When I asked him why he came back to me all of a sudden, he said his sister nearly died and it made him re-think things.

We corresponded until I arrived in England, he said we were not in a long distance relationship, but we agreed that I would move to England in JUNE and asked me if I wanted children. He had even named our first child. However, he would only write about all the facts that happened in his life, and never reflected on emotion or what he thought about us. He said he doesn’t show his emotions because he doesn’t want to go back into his depression. In the meantime, he booked a holiday in Ibiza for JULY (which I found about on Facebook), told a girl that he had ‘fond memories of their time together xxxx’ and started a play when he knew it would take up a lot of his time when I arrived.

He told me he probably wouldn’t kiss me at the airport yet he waited for me in the airport for two hours and then took me to Wales for a week, where he paid for everything. When we got to Wales, he finally kissed me and we had a wonderful week doing lots of climbing and having baths.

After that week, I had to go home (I am not from England). When I was at home I underwent quite a lot of trauma – I had culture shock (I had been away for 5.5 years), my hormones were all over the place (2 periods every month for 3 months), I was broke, I was forced into work that I was under-qualified for just to get enough money together to go to England, I had a few family/adjustment problems (I am 32 and had to move back in with my parents), was exhausted, was very busy trying to see friends and people I knew whilst feeling very insecure about my relationship with this boy and his mixed messages.

We started a long distance relationship with the aim that I would move to England in three months time. When I got my first paycheck I paid for him to come to my home for a weekend. We had a lovely weekend. The next time we went halves and he came, again it was a lovely weekend, it was my birthday and he bought me a card and said I was the best girlfriend in the world a boy could have. The only thing that worried me was that when we were talking about his trip to Ibiza, he said that his female cousin was coming with her friends at the end of the trip. He hadn’t told me this. I had been making a very special effort not to be jealous because of my previous insecurity, and I wasn’t jealous, but I was upset that he hadn’t bothered to tell me of this previously.

I was so pressurised to get to his home in June, I had to work hard. Not only that but I had to update my wardrobe (I don’t like shopping but still my clothes hadn’t been replaced for about 6 – 7 years), buy make-up and do whatever normal modern women do to be able to be accepted in this world. It was a big adjustment.

Sometimes I would be sad at this chaotic transition I had to go through. Not a lot but sometimes I would need a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes, I just needed to know that he cared for me because I was forcing myself to go through a rather hectic time just so I could keep my side of the agreement, apart from that card and a text or two, he never showed me how he felt. He never said he loved or liked me, never said I was beautiful, he would only say that I was too nice to him.

When we were apart I would send him stories by text to make him feel happy, I would make sure I would send emails. We couldn’t speak on the phone much because he was very busy. I would complain about this. I wanted – no, I needed, to be able to speak to him. I was moving to his home, not anyone’s ideal place to live (my family and friends thought I was mad).

Anyway, I kept my side of the agreement. I arrived there and we went straight to Glastonbury with his friends whereupon he spent most of his time selling beer for his Ibiza trip or watching bands. I hardly saw him. I didn’t say anything about this and just concentrated on making my time good.

I have severe claustrophobia in static crowds because I was nearly crushed to death once but once he just took me in the middle of one of the largest crowds in the festival. I had to leave him and susequently had a panic attack. He didn’t think about me at all, and after we had an argument he said he was glad to see the band anyway.

That night he left me alone and went to sell beer. He also said that he didn’t know what I saw in him because he was a ‘dog’. I just made a joke of it, ‘Oh, like Snoop Doggy Dog?’

On the last night he was quite drunk and he said to me, ‘Thank you for moving to England for me.’ I just said that was okay.

When we got back to his house he didn’t help me settle in at all, he had five days until Ibiza. I was left alone. One day he actually took some time off work for me, I made lunch especially but then everything went downhill. I wanted him to look after me, to take me out and show me where he lived and show me what to do (this was my 6th new place in 5 years – I just didn’t have the energy to do it alone) but he just got annoyed and cut his hedge. Finally when we got out I was so upset by then he got angry. After that we had to go to his parent’s house where I had to pretend everything was okay. When we left, he wouldn’t talk to me and when we got home he went straight to bed. I went in and asked him where I should sleep and he said, ‘Sleep where you want.’ I was so frustrated, so angry, I shouted at him and he said, ‘Don’t shout at me when I am in bed.’ and chucked me out.

The next day I patched things up by text because I was so vulnerable and I moved over to be with him. We ended up having a nice night because I had made an effort and thought things would be okay. I made dinner, suggested a walk and we made love. I thought everything would be great after that.

The next day we woke up all happy, he had one more day to Ibiza. I asked him what he would like me to do to make the preparations easier and he gave me a list. That morning I was so full of joy, I even started looking at jobs again. I had to download my certificates and the computer said to look in the pictures file. I saw some pictures and was happy to see my boyfriend in happier times, it made me happy to see him. However, I found some photos of him and his best friend naked in bed together.

My last boyfriend turned out to be gay, which he knows about, and I had already had the ‘Are you gay?’ conversation with this boyfriend. He said he wasn’t. Yet when I saw these pictures, I went mad. Everything had become too much and I was so so so angry so I called him up at work and accused him of being gay. He told me I was a lunatic.

He then sent me a text saying I was a bitch and I was trying to ruin his life. He said I needed medical help because I shouted at him in bed and I said he was gay. He said I should f**k off and die because I am a witch. I packed my bags and went home and he went to Ibiza.

It’s been over a month since we last communicated. We haven’t discussed anything and I know that we will never be together again. I know that. What I can’t understand is how he can continue with this silent treatment. It’s like torture. All I want to do is to be able to sort this out with him and hopefully move on with my life. I am devasted that he thinks so low of me and our relationship that he can’t even be bothered to discuss this. I am being punished.

How to get accustomed to the silent treatment and move on? Find closure on my own? This is cruelty.

I know I am not perfect but I did so much to try and be with him, I tried my hardest to be in constant communication, to get him to come over, to be with him, to not complain when he left me alone. I was so in love with him I was willing to do anything to make it work. Why would he bother coming all the way to India and ask me to live with him if he was just going to chuck me out four days later? I just don’t get it. I don’t understand him at all.

I know I have to move on. I know all the, ‘Why would you want to be with him anyway?’ and I have tried figuring him out, understanding him and have given him time. But I am hurting and he doesn’t care and it just makes me so sad.

I have sent one email and one text to no avail, I am not going to send anymore. I can’t make him talk to me. He won’t answer and I know it might be months or years before he may contact me. Of course, I hope I will be living a full life with a man who will love me the way I should be loved by then. But what I want to know is what is going through his head and how he can be so cruel. And why bother starting all this up just to let me go again.

I hope you can help.

Hi Sarah,

You are being too hard on yourself for no reason. If you were to be told that your (ex)boyfriend is suffering from some form of mental depression which causes him to be irrational and impulsive in his attitude towards people close to him, would you still feel insulted or would you take the perspective that he behaved the way he did because of a dysfunction in his emotional balance?

He went through a nervous breakdown, and you are not quite aware of the actual details so you don’t know how severe it was. People who go through nervous breakdowns are usually torn by some emotional disturbance within them. Add to it the fact that he decided to get back with you after so long, without any real reason except that he gained a perspective on life because he saw his sister nearing death. It just shows that he is emotionally disturbed and his depression is causing him to act impulsively.

You need to ask yourself if you believe, or ever believed, that he really loves you. While you were with him did you really feel the love that you wanted to feel or were you simply deluding yourself? From your description it’s quite clear that he was very casual in his care, he did not bother too much about your feelings or your needs. He seems to be emotionally unbalanced right now, and may be he tried to get back to you in an attempt to re-live those past days of love and somehow restore the balance. The problem is that you can’t just sort out emotional issues by getting into a relationship, it just complicates things further.

The way you reacted after you saw his pictures with his “friend”, is very natural. Of course any girl would be perturbed by the fact that her boyfriend may be gay. It might be true that he is gay or may a bi, and his reaction to your accusation shows that he felt caught. Normally a guy would have laughed it off, or would have wanted to talk it out. But you can’t be too sure about this unless he admits.

Was it not evident to you that he seemed to have some psychological issues relating to emotional imbalance? He might even be suffering from some form of depression like OCD, evidenced by his impulsive behavior and irrational coldness. You were unfortunate to have ended up in the melee of his emotional turbulence. The best advice for you now is to forgive and forget. It really doesn’t matter what he thinks about you, it will only be his perspective. You are not what someone thinks of you, are you? He has the freedom to think what he wants, so let him. You don’t need to feel guilty or bad about anything, because you did not do anything wrong, in fact you were extremely understanding and committed.

Try to get a happier outlook towards life. You seem to be wallowing in gloom most of the time. This universe is based on the law of attraction, so if you dwell on negative thoughts you will end up attracting a negative reality. It’s tough to change immediately but try to work towards changing your mind into a more optimistic and a happier place. Become a happier person first before you head into another relationship. Take time off to clear up your mind, find ways to appreciate and love life and see how beautifully everything starts working out for you.

  • Sarah

    Thank you so much for this reply – it really helped and I do feel much calmer and better about the whole thing. He did end up writing to me – to let me know what a manipulative liar I am, and how jealous, possessive, burdensome and eccentric I am. The letter helped me heal because I realized it had nothing to do with me, who I am or what I stand for. All I wanted was to love and grow with him – to learn how to be. So now I bless him, send him love and allow him to move on.

    I am also moving on and am much happier. You were there when I was at my worst and your reply was immensely valuable. Thank you. 🙂