I am in Love With a Married Guy

Question asked by Anne - I think I'm in love with a guy. Met at work over a year ago - he flirted with me everyday, we got on well, laughed together. He is married. I told him there was no going anywhere as I had some principles - morals I lived by. However, it doesn't stop me liking him - a lot. I left where he worked and we kept in touch through mutual friends, text and e-mail - at least once per month. Then he left work and I have found him some work. It means we are talking everyday and texting and e-mailing - a combination of flirty and work - which is going well - both. However, I am now convinced I love him and will be heart broken by him. He has a history of affairs and is married which I remind myself of constantly. We work in different parts of the country but I think he's going to ask me to meet and I am scared of my reaction. I Am struggling with this. Haven't met anyone like him - ever and don't want to lose him.


Hi Anne,

Attraction has no logic; it just happens without a rhyme or reason. You are in love with a guy who has a history of past affairs and is currently engaged in an extra-martial affair with you, and though you have moral principles you find yourself helpless to this attraction. You’ve basically fallen for his charisma; most “playboy type men” have an appealing charisma to their personality that the opposite sex finds irresistibly attractive. Playboy may not be the right term to describe this man you are in love with, but you get the meaning.

At a guess, his personality would have a mix of humor, carelessness, playfulness and cocky confidence. That’s the usual mix of the “manly” nature that floors most of the women. The fact that he has had a history affairs points to his high sex drive and risk taking ability. He’s the kind of man that your father would have warned you against. Of course, his “bad guy” attitude is what might be causing the under current of attraction in you to start with.

You are confused about how you should take this forward; whether you should go in for a full fledged relationship with him (getting physical and more) or keep your distance. But if you are honest you will notice that deep down in your heart the decision has already been made, is it not? You are not going to reject him or keep your distance from him no matter what advice you get. The fact is that you are attracted to him and simply put, as far a girl is concerned, attraction is a flame that can’t be suppressed through logical reasoning.

He will be quite persuasive even if you try to keep your distance; it won’t be long before you are into him completely. Frankly you don’t have a choice because you are in love with him, so you might as well stop suppressing your desire. The more you try to suppress yourself the more you will find yourself falling head over heels in love with him because he is able trigger so many emotions in you. There are many girls who feel helpless about their attraction, because it’s not in their conscious control.

Go ahead and enjoy the journey that’s to come. Attraction can never find fulfillment unless it’s explored completely. Go the distance, because that’s the only natural thing to do in your case; everything else will just frustrate you more.

As a side note, remember that he has been in a few affairs before and he’s also married. There can be complications later on as you find yourself wanting a more committed relationship with him. He may not be in a position to grant you the commitment that you might desire later. So just be ready to keep the relationship open ended as it might be the only option.

You said you don’t want to end up “broken hearted”, so it’s best that you go ahead with the relationship and see how it proceeds instead of speculating the negatives, but just give yourself a reality check on what the relationship will entail. Just follow your heart; after all you do need to climb the mountain to know what’s on the other side.