Boyfriend Says He Is Not Ready For The Emotional Responsibility!

Published on: May 14, 2017

Question by Jess:

This is sort of a story, so strap in. I started talking to this guy about two months ago. He came into my office, we got to talking and he asked for my number. We kept in touch but he lives in another part of the state. He’s been already planning to move to my city, so it didn’t seem like a total lost cause.

It just so happened that I had a trip planned to his city. We had an amazing first date, which turned into a whole weekend. We spent basically the entire time I was there together. It was really great. We clicked and felt a real connection.

The second night of being there he asked me to be his girlfriend! He was really excited when I said ‘yes’.

Through out the time I was there he kept randomly saying things like “I can’t believe I have a girlfriend!” or “this feels really good”. On top of that he showered me with compliments and said he was always really casual with girls in the past.

He said he had always been waiting for the timing to be right and he felt like this was. He also said that he kept thinking about how he had asked for my number and was surprised with himself for doing it. Now I’m not a naive person, and this all felt very genuine. We parted ways at the end of the weekend but kept in touch every day.

The week after my visit he had an interview lined up in my city. He actually switched his flight plans around and got an airbnb to spend time with me the day before. When we were falling asleep that night, I became very nervous. I was really honest with him and asked if we would ever see each other again after this. He said yes. We parted ways again but again kept in touch everyday. It was always under the impression that we were committing ourselves to dating.

Recently, I had a cousin who entered hospice and it was a really emotional toll on me. One weekend, I was really upset and needed to talk to someone. He was kind but also distant about it. One night we talked, I hijacked the conversation all about what I was going through. However, towards the end he was getting tired and felt dismissive and ready to end the conversation.

The next day I texted saying that I was very lonely and upset, I was looking for help but felt like I couldn’t be bothered. He said he was confused because I thanked him for listening then said that. I sent him some really emotional texts and he responded “honestly, this is too much for me”. We talked right after that. We didn’t yell or get heated but he said even though we have to titles of “boyfriend”/”girlfriend”, he wasn’t ready for all of this emotional responsibility.

At some point he said something to the affect of “I can’t always be there for you because I’m hundreds of miles away”. I asked him if this was done, if he wanted to keep dating, and if he wanted to talk to me. He said he wants to keep this going.

It’s been almost a week since. I called him a few times after. One time we had a basic conversation about we were going to work and what our days would be like. The next day I called him, he didn’t answer, but texted me “hey, whats up? I’m at work”. I went about two days with no communication at all. Up until now, he was initiating almost all of our communication- he was the one that called or text first. The days after the emotional talk, nothing.

I felt like I needed to take ownership over the situation and apologize. I sent a thoughtful text saying I was an asshole and he didn’t deserve that. About eight hours later I got a text saying “lots going on don’t trip” followed by “Been running around all day. I don’t want you to be stressing over this”.

I need help figuring out if he’s just being nice, or if he really means this. Is he so freaked out that he’s already ending this? or does he actually need space? I know he really does have a lot going on, on top of getting ready to move to a new city. But I also don’t know if he’s just trying to be a nice guy so that he has the option of having sex with me when he moves here. But if that’s the case, then why rearrange plans and spend money to see me? Does he really want this but isn’t used to everything that comes with a relationship? or was everything he said a lie?

I’ve never been in any sort of situation like this. I really do like this guy and this feels different from relationships in the past. I’m willing to give him space if that’s what needed but I also don’t want to mindlessly hope that when he gets here we’ll have something. Should I just prepare myself for this to be over?

Seriously, any help or advice would be appreciated! This is confusing and rather upsetting.