My Gay Best Friend Suddenly Decided To Break Up Our Friendship Without Warning Or Reason. Why?

Published on: October 15, 2015

Question by JB

Hi there,

I came across this site in my search for insight into my male friends behaviour towards me. Here is my situation and ensuing questions.

I’m having a hard time dealing with my friend of 3 years ending our friendship with a crude email saying to ‘move on and stop communicating’. We’ve had a year of troubles because my friend, lets call him T, finds it stressful to express feelings. He often comes across as emotionally guarded but so friendly and charming with everyone; always the center of attention. We were so close and we were there for each other in hard times and good times. We used to love each other, and said it sometimes, he expressed caring about me (to quote) ‘more than I knew’.

He just changed so suddenly last year a few months after I’d recouped from being ill. A strange push-pull habit started where his words and actions never matched: He’d say he cared but never bothered to spend time with me like he used to, or he’d be with me in our social group but ignore me. It really got on my nerves so I would constantly asked what the problem was to which he always said it was fine. But he never acted fine and it just became a cycle of my asking what was wrong and him getting frustrated at me asking it, worsening the push-pull until he ended out friendship at the beginning of this year. He quickly attempted to reconcile saying he made a mistake. However he blamed it all on me being jealous and seeming like I expected too much from him, more than he could give. I sat him down and explained that this was not the case at all and that I wanted to be treated just the same as his other friends. I later discovered he had mentally convinced himself I was jealous of other people also because I wanted to spend as much time with him as his other friends and blamed me for making him feel stressed and anxious even though he knew it was unreasonable. I was never truly those things and he knew and understood this but said he could not get the idea out of his head. Thus pushing me away for a year and my asking about it only pushed him further away.

I allowed the reconciliation and gave him opportunities to regain the friendship and trust he wanted back, by spending time together at lunch and walks, just us two. It seemed like we could get back on board with each other and I was happy even giving him the little distance he preferred to have. It suddenly changed again though before my having to move away 2 months ago. Despite me telling him when this would be, he decidedly didn’t listen and got angry at me because he said no one told him I was leaving. I was really sad and hurt at him ignoring my conversations but asked why he didn’t want to say goodbye in person as I really wanted to see him. He quickly volunteered to see me off and it was a happy-sad moment of love, warm hugs and hidden tears. When I happily contacted him a few days later I received the coldest most detached email of blunt answers to my questions, his work complaints and busyness, negativity and not a single ‘how are you’ to continue conversation. I was angry again and called him on it resulting in his declaring “it was time to stop communication” and him ignoring my emails (asking why and what changed) for over 2 months now. I tried leaving him alone for a month then sent a reconciling request last month so that we could be civil but he never replied. He’s just cut me out of his life while happily maintaining an online presence and open friendships with everyone else in and outside our social circle. For a while I wondered if it was difficult because he’s gay and I’m a straight girl, but most of his friends are female and they all get along amazingly, the way I told him I want our friendship to be.

Now I wonder what is it about me that does this to him if no one else gets ‘ghosted’? I was only ever positive and supportive and loved him immensely and unconditionally. It was he who chose to suddenly favour everyone over me. Surely I’m not that horrible a person for loving him and wanting to know why he mistreated me? Why would someone cut someone out their life for asking why they’re being treated badly? I don’t think I deserved that, did I? It’s painstaking facing these questions everyday with no answer especially with the words he said ‘I care about you more than you know’ and ‘Please believe me when I say I will miss you’ ringing in my ears. Do you have any insight or advice on something as convoluted as this? – JB