Why Has It Become So Acceptable for Men to Look at Porn While in a Relationship?

Question asked by Jane - I am just curious as to why it's become so acceptable for men to look at porn whilst in a relationship, and what are your views on this? I know women look at porn to, but we all know not nearly as many women do as men, and i've heard of many relationships, even marriages failing because of porn, and in all cases it's been the man. I myself have just broke up with my partner, he is ten years older than myself, and I thought he'd of been more of a gentleman because of this. It seems to me, that porn is viewed by men mostly under the ages of say 45. Because of our generation, being able to access porn is easy to us. I know men are more sexually stimulated than women and have a stronger sex drive, and I don't mind if my partner has to look at one image while i'm not around so he can pleasure himself, what I object to, is numerous images of glamout models and graphic porn.

The media is doing more harm now than ever before. Women who are naturally thin want to have a more curvy body type to live up to the glamour model fantasy, so end up buying breast implants, and women who are bigger, want to be thin and end up starving themselves. No matter what you can't win, it's very hard as a woman in this day and age, to feel physically satisfied when women are objectified everywhere. More to the point, women in porn are big fake boobs, and slim bodies, and men are just regular looking. When you come home to find numerous images on the computer of naked women with figures the oppositte of yours, of course it's bound to make anyone feel inadequit, like it did myself.

Research has shown that the link between breast implants and suicide is rising because of womens deeper insecurities, I don't think people see the bigger picture, as to how this portrayal of women, and men fantasizing about it, is scarily effecting a womens well being. I won't tolerate porn in my relationship, i'd actually rather be alone that feel insecure about my body with a partner that needs to look at glorified women. If more women put their foot down and wouldn't tolerate it, there would either be a world full of lonely men wanking off to porn, or they would stop being disrespectful and lust only after their true love. Are there any gentlmen out there that see where i'm coming from or agree even? I'd just like to hear other peoples opinions on this subject, are there any people out there in todays world that have morals and standards, I am a 20 year old female, and I feel like i'm on a different wave length than most people.



Hi Jane,

It's true that many marriages and relationships have been threatened by the sexual excesses and "artificiality" induced by the porn industry. Porn induces a fantasy world of glamorous bodies, willing sexual excesses, artificial lust and ravenous appetites. The marked word here is "fantasy" or the unreal. Porn is about visual gratification to cater to the voracious appetite for "stimulation" among men.

But are men who watch porn really ungentlemanly or perverted or lewd? Do they really look down upon their wife or girlfriend for not having the "perfect" body a porn star has? There is no straight answer because not all men are alike. Suffix to say that most men do feel "guilty" about watching excess porn. They know that they are being suckered into a "fantasy" world; they know that a sex starved generation is not what they want to be a part of. Men are human too and they know what's wrong and right; many live in oblivion but that's a different story.

Do Men Really Want A Porn Star In Their Partner?

No they don't. Contrary to what many women think, most men want deep relationships. They want to give and receive love; they want to feel an emotional bonding and they want to share their happiness and sorrow with their partner. Men are seeking fulfilling relationships which go way beyond the surface level satisfaction of sex.

I disagree with your point that men in porn are regular looking. Men in porn are shown to be ultra manly as well. They are shown to have larger than normal organs and this does have an impact on men as well. No wonder penile enlargement is so popular. So to say that porn only effects the self image of women would be wrong.

A different perspective

There are many men and women who enjoy watching action movies, some like watching horror movies. Does this mean they want to partake in the violence they see? Definitely not. Porn is just a momentary stimulation similar to a horror movie. Just because he is watching it, does not mean he will want to act out the scenarios in real life.

You donít have to compare your body to that of a porn star because unless your man is really juvenile he knows that porn is simply unreal. It's just a fantasy world that many men indulge in from time to time, something like a pleasure activity of sorts. If you are stuck with a porn freak it's a different story altogether, but as said earlier only a minority of men behave this way.

He still loves you!

Always remember that your man fell in love with you because you were special; someone with whom he could relate to on a deeper level. No porn star can even match up to this feeling that you generate in him.

Focus on the Love

Look for a man who loves you truly, who shares an emotional bond with you. Reciprocate his love genuinely. Accept a few manly eccentricities he might have just the way he will accept your imperfections. We are all human, and none of us is perfect in any way. Love is about acceptance. That's what is so badly lacking in most relationships today. Love does not blossom in the presence of judgment, criticism or false perceptions. It can only exist when there is understanding and deep acceptance of the other person as a human being who has imperfections. This is true for men and women alike because both parties are guilty of being far too judgmental and critical of each other, especially in today's world.

How To Stop Him From Watching Porn?

Here are a few tips on how you can change your man's porn viewing habits:

Suggest A Lifestyle Change

Your man is more likely to watch porn if he has a dull and a lethargic lifestyle. Help him release his pent up male energy in other forms of stimulation as opposed to visual stimulation that he gets out of porn. Work together towards a lifestyle change that is fun and engaging.

For instance, exercise is a great way to release these pent up energies. A rigorous workout gives the male a similar level of stimulation as he gets out of watching porn. In addition to that, it is healthy for him. Gift him a gym membership or even better, get him to go shopping for fitness equipments. A simple way to get him started is to start exercising yourself.

Once he starts enjoying exercising and the feeling of release he gets from it, he will switch from, "I want to watch porn for my stimulation" to "I want to work out for my stimulation." This will also help him get in touch with his inner body which in turn will get him craving for more body to body contact with you than visual stimulation.

Again, the idea is the help him release his male energy in some creative way. Exercise is just one of the many ways available. Some others could be, pursuing your hobbies, connecting with friends/family, partying, playing a sport, traveling to exotic locales, outdoor activities like jogging, trekking, swimming etc., you get the idea.

Set Boundaries

Have a honest communication with your husband (not a fight!). Remember that the communication needs to be based upon truth and respect that you share for each other. Tell him how you feel and try to work out something that you both can agree to. As long as you understand that your husband will do this, and that he's not choosing it over you, both of you can set up some agreeable guidelines and boundaries.

Experiment With Intimacy

Move towards deeper levels of sexual intimacy. For instance, consider trying out something exciting like 'Tantra Yoga' or 'Kamasutra'. There are many books/DVDs that can help you get started with tantra or other ancient sexual practices for that matter. You can also consider joining a workshop or a retreat.

Consult a professional counselor

If all else fails and you are still feeling insecure the best thing to do is to connect with a professional counselor. If your husband is not ready to accompany you, go there yourself. Discussing your problems with a neutral party can help you determine if your fears are reasonable and help you get further insights into resolving the issue.

As a final tip, stop feeling insecure about your body. If you donít love your body, you wonít be able to love anyone else. Everyone around you is just a reflection of what you think in your mind. Accept yourself as you are and you will be more accepting of others.



Your Comments

Brad said...
Women read magazines like Cosmo, and they watch romantic comedies with handsome men, perfect fairytale endings and often try to get men to act as such. Men don't want a huge breasted, curvy porn star as a girlfriend. In fact we often aren't attracted to them in real life. There's a few reasons we look at these women in porn, the first being they're the only ones in the porn industry. Realistic women are a turn off, I mean, men don't want to see a realistic, cute woman that they have an infatuation for making porn with another man. We don't want to watch porn and get jealous and upset, we watch it because the women in the porn industry we don't have to think of as real women, they're fake and their job is to have fake boobs that are exaggerated for the camera and 'perfect' curves to be photogenic. Moral of the story is, WE DON'T WANT REAL WOMEN TO LOOK ANYTHING LIKE PORN STARS, we don't want you to be sex objects, we want you to have imperfections to love.


Sarah said...
This ďunrealistic factorĒ brings a problematic edge to the conversation- although they may not look like average women you see every day, they are still women. Why is it that in your mind you can excuse objectification of them and not others? Is it ok to view their sexual slavishness, willing to perform multitudes of acts, without thinking of them as human beings? In the end, theyíre women that, as discussed, have feelings and emotions. How is that reconciled in a manís mind? And, clearly, this is what bothers me- and Iím sure, many other women- the most, the fact that some women deserve love and respect and others donít.


Samantha said...
I think the fact that you are saying men donít want women who look like real women in porn is a joke. Umm hello those women are women as well. No matter how you justify it. The point is our society has gone into hyper-sexual superficiality and relationships are paying a price. I know many people who find their relationships donít live up to expectations anymore because they need to live up to the ďideal standardĒ portrayed in porn film. It doesnít change from normal movies to porn films. I mean as we saw the 80s-90s rise of thinness we also we a rise in eating disorders in women. Women need to objectify themselves in society and now in the most intimate of relationships. My boyfriend watches porn. It doesnít bother me when he does. But honestly i donít really think about it. I did have a problem with it til last night with him thinking it would be ok to look at porn mags beside me while i go on my 10th hours of transcribing for school. Hence i was curious and browsing topics like this. I was not ok with it and then trying to come on with me. I said it got you warm then it can keep you warm tonight. Itís really all about communication. Anyways to my point. I have watched a lot of porn and i know many that do. The thing is i find itís too aggressive and most girls look like they are drugged up or dont want to be there but are only there for the money. I think if their was porn with hot men and nice women women would watch it. Cause I mean why not. I know a lot of girls who can have sex without attachment itís not a man thing. the people who wrote this article are either old school or try to bullshit their way through this.

These days the young generations believe, ďHey if he is doing it why canít I?Ē

I go on google and look at Hot Men. The music is Italian I believe and you can fantasize about their body. Seriously I think what turns more women on is audio and visual. Just my opinion. With my response to the original article, I wouldnít condone it but just ask him why? straight and to the point. Then use feeling words. If he doesnít get it he doesnít get it. My boyfriend had a swinger type of lifestyle before me and we talked about how itís really not my thing because I canít really separate emotions from sex at this point. Heís ok with that and Iím ready to just take it as it comes. And really you just have to talk about what you want and why instead of asking other people rather than the person who is in the relationship. Seriously the only thing you should of agreed on before you go married was Honesty and Communication


Shan said...
If you think that viewing porn is harmless, read all the books about sexual addictions and the harm to relationships it causes. There are some very good books from author Douglas Weiss that addresses the issue of "sex glue." A very interesting concept, sex glue refers to the emotional attachment to whatever you are viewing at the time of orgasm. Often, men before they are married and throughout their marriage, receive multiple forms of sexual pleasure in other ways besides their wife. Whether fantasy or not, men who view porn for sexual pleasure create an emotional attachment to what they are viewing during orgasm that ultimately takes away from the emotional attachment made during love making with your spouse and it becomes more difficult to make sex with your spouse the ultimate experience regardless of what the two people look like (if looks were everything why would Christie Brinkley and some other of the most beautiful women be dealing with a sexually addicted husband).

When my spouse stopped looking at porn, it made all the difference in our marriage, and our sex. Both of us never knew sex could be so great! We both realized that the objectification of the body, as demonstrated in many marriages of those who watch porn, is so novice compared to a real sexual experience that accompanies full acceptance and vulnerability. With porn, there is no vulnerability and deep connection. Also, America is so different from many other countries. For example, Indian movies feature dancing scenes when trying to express that two people are falling in love because they believe kissing and love making is way too intimate. Our American culture has become so obsessed with sex, there are no boundaries and those boundaries are necessary for the best sexual experience of your life.


Matt said...
Here's my take on this. I am an extremely thin guy but I love watching porn involving BBW (big beautiful women) having unnaturally large bodies. But I will not dream of having a real time relationship with such a woman. Not because I will be the laughing stock of the town going out with a BBW but because I just don't think I will be happy with a BBW . I don't think I will even get turned on by a BBW if I see one in flesh and blood. I am deeply in love my girlfriend who is in no way a BBW. She has a thin body, and I love to be with her.

As rightly pointed out in an earlier comment, the definition of porn according to me is exaggeration or the unreal. Something that does not happen in day today life. It's like a James Bond movie or a horror flick. It gives you cheap thrills but once the movie is over, you are back to normal life.

By the way, I know a lot of married couples who watch porn together. Not all porn is fake some can actually be educative and help you improve what you do in bed. Think about it.


John said...
Well I am a 46 year old man. When I was young and growing up, if a man looked at porn whilst in a relationship, it was definatly something that would be frowned upon, and it would indeed be unacceptable. Seems this younger generation really do think it's normal and okay to treat their women like this. This saddens me. There is absolutly no reason for this, not every man needs an image of a silicone woman to wank off to, only the weak ones. I can quite easily picture my beautiful wife, who is real, an 'average' body, and go about my buissness.

So don't listen to the men that tell you it's normal and you're being silly, you're absolutly not. Porn is for the weak men, real men don't need it, so sad that there aren't many gentlemen left nowadays. I guess that's why a lot of younger women date older men. If I needed to look at overly exaggerated women, I would feel bad towards my partner, and I wouldn't feel right.

If I found that my wife had been looking at images of glorified men to pleasure herself, I would feel very second best, surely a lot of men can agree they would and wouldn't put up with it. Personally, if I had to use an image, I honestly would prefere to look at a woman with a normal body rather than an artificial looking one. No wonder so many women feel they have to change themselves. Not every man looks at porn, to Jane and any other women reading this, some men actually find porn a turn off. Some men are different.


Sara said...
To John - what you wrote could possibly be the sweetest thing I've ever heard a man say about a woman. Your wife is incredibly lucky and you've just given me hope that ALL men do NOT have to watch porn to be happy.


Christie72 said...
I know the issue of "men watching porn" has been overanalyzed, but I still wonder about HOW men watch porn. I am a sexually liberated woman, I have a great, healthy sexual relationship with my boyfriend, I watch porn too (alone or with my boyfriend) and I don't mind him watching porn. Still, I believe that women watch porn DIFFERENTLY than men do. We may get aroused by the visual material, but I don't think we identify with the women we seen on our monitors. What I have always been curious about is: do men identify with the men they see on porn movies? I mean: do they fantasize that they're in those men's place, having sex with those specific women they look at? Or are they just aroused by the visual stimuli?


Jake said...
I think for the most part men don't watch porn as an escape valve. They watch porn to relieve sexual tension, and that is it. For men sex is about scratching an itch. The kind of sex you engage in to consummate your relationship is a whole different ball park, but this can't be done as often as the itch requires. Because you're often away; because you're tired from your job, housework, children; because you obviously aren't aroused and the man doesn't want to beg; because the man is horny and just doesn't want to go through the rigmarole of a full sexual encounter, he masturbates to relieve tension. The porn is just to make the masturbation easier.

That is seriously all there is to it, except in extreme cases such as pedophilia. Your man loves you just as you are, and it hasn't even crossed his mind that you should appear like the girls in the movie. If you feel that you should, that is your problem, not his - he doesn't want that from you, so why do you want it from yourself? He is not a pervert and doesn't want to fill you with silicone. He is just bored and frustrated.

If this is really, really bothering you, then yes you should talk to your man about it. But you should approach this as a discussion of your respective feelings, not a confrontation (note: if you suspect that your man is having a romance with a real person over the Internet, then this is cheating and you should by all means confront him). This is one aspect of your man's life that is sort of his, which is why he "keeps" it from you. He also doesn't give you daily reports of the consistency of his bowel movements, for example. If you are too aggressive, your man will feel that you are attempting to control every aspect of his being and while he may stop, he will resent you for it, and this will come out in other subtle ways. Allow him this one privacy.


Noam said...
The fact of the matter is, if a person is in a loving relationship and feels so strongly adverse to an activity that their other half indulges in, to the extent that they feel an emotional suffering by it and if it is something their other half knows their own desire for such activity is not as strong as the pain their partner will feel from knowing oneself has indulged- it would only demonstrate a decency so rarely found in todays western world to exercise some self control. It is in our nature to want more than we need. The majority of humans, religious or not find it acceptable to constantly indulge in unnecessary desires and pleasurable activities, but taken too this far is damaging and causes one to find difficulty in finding true contentment. We are at a time where we must think about what we need as humans not always what we want. Pornography is an unnecessary indulgent and is having globally adverse affects. In japan the the number of rape occurrences increased by 40% during the bloom of internet pornography. Not only has the numbers of sex trafficked women globally has increased, the number of pedophiles has increased, and as mentioned before more and more women are so unhappy with themselves they feel the need to add and remove to their bodies. If one can sit back and accept that porn is ok because its in male nature to want to see objectified naked bodies you have been unfairly conditioned by the self ruining world we live in today and are unable to make the simple observation that PORNOGRAPHY IS DAMAGING. Jane keep fighting your fight.


Brittany said...
I love what John has wrote and I completely agree. What did people do back in the day when we did not have so much technology so readily available to us. Now there is internet porn available in our back pockets, to those who want it. It is really sad to think that a lot of people "need" that instant gratification and relief. When did the urge to "get off" become so intense that people need to do so from their phones? I view sex and sharing my body with someone as something special and sacred. No, I didn't grow up religious at all or do I have insane insecurities that I feel the need to take it out on others. I am a very healthy pretty 21 year old who holds herself up and I have morals and values. I will not be left to felt unsatisfied, inadequate, and just upset with my appearance when I know I am beautiful, all because of a man's fantasy. It does hurt our feelings and leaves me personally feeling like I am nothing, It really is a slap in the face because I am not a size 0, and I don't have unnatural large breast, or bleach blond hair. And all this contributes to lack of self-esteem because a man just "needs" that release. Well it's not fair. I just think the way people are acting about pornography is way too laid back and everyone saying men are so "visual" and need that quick release is really just weakness and laziness. I'm saying sex has turned into something pretty whorish and should be respected and thoughtful. Not just getting off due to lust or a growing muscle in a man's pants. We have created all this though by allowing it to grow and continue, but we are a money hungry society and sex sells. :(


Erin said...
I also really enjoyed Johnís post and itís nice to know that there are men who can still be truly turned on by a normal womanís body and not a cartoon version of a womanís body. One that doesnít need over done images to feel like a man.

I disagree that the connection men have with porn isnít emotional. Clearly itís not emotional in terms of feelings of love. But itís clearly emotional on a level where men DO seem to feel sadly connected to porn in this day and age.

There is a difference between men being ďvisualĒ and what weíve come to today where men use being visual as a justificatoin for weak and disrespectful behavior to the loving woman in their lives. Of coures men like looking at naked women. Of course this is natural. Of course men shoudnít be ashamed of those needs. However, to say that itís okay to view women as sex objects in movies that are meant to self gratify men, and that this is suppose to make normal wome nfeel better, is ridiculous. Itís not just about being visual anymore. There is a level and obession that we have today in society with technology that makes it more then a passing visual pleasure. Itís not fair to say to the normal woman in your life that you need to objectfy women on some level to feel good as a man. That sends mixed messages about your real feelings on women. Such as normal women in every day life have one place, and porn girls have another, and no one is really better then the other.

Guess what guys? Your average girlfriend/wife wants to be your fantasy. She wants your eyes to light up for her. She wants you to find her so sexy and exciting thaty our invest in her. But too many men today make other owmen their fantasy. Let their eyes light up for these women. Then send mixed messages to women about how women need to just shut up and accept it. That their own natural feelings for loyatly and security clearly arenít as worthy of respect as his desire to see as many breasts as he can. Itís not fair or easy. I donít think many men today know what real sexuality is anymore or how to be tha man of their own domains because they sold themselves to sexualized media that gives then a 4 second high.


Ann said...
Iíve been in a relationship for over 5 years with my boyfriend and he likes to look at porn, not so much the hardcore stuff but videos on youtube of big boobs, makes me feel a bit inadequate on the boob department as I have small boobs, and I have confronted him several times yet, he doesnít understand how much it hurts me that he does this, our sex life is ok, but when I say I could dress up Ďsexyí like the Ďwomení he views on these videos he is not interested. He says he loves me how I am and thereís no need. We did have a frank talk one time and he kinda explained that looking at these videos/pictures was like a Ďcomfortí thing, and he naturally starts masturbating and touching himself, and I said I was more than willing to help him there. I am at the end of my tether now because if this is a Ďcomfortí thing for him well it's time for him to let go of it. Iím more than happy to please him, yet he chooses the girlies with big boobs and makes me resentful and unhappy. Worse is when heís been at it, it's usually when Iím at work, when I get home there are telltale signs on his underwear and in the past wet tissues in the bin (but he started getting rid of these after a confrontation from me) and it's me who does the washing. Again Iíve confronted him and it feels like iím dealing with a 15 year old kid! I donít get it, he has a woman in his life who is willing to do anything for him, and he chooses to get himself Ďoffí with his Ďcomfort blanketí woman. How much more I can take of this I donít know it does make me think all men are like this and it isnít worth been in a realtionship anymore. It is degrading for me, I hate it, I hate myself for feeling like this, but what do I do?


Mary Jane said...
I have read all of the responses above and can relate to every ďtheoryĒ that each has had. I stumbled onto this website after trying to research why men look at porn when they are in a committed relationship and in love. My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over a year now. The frequency of the sex hasnít changed but rather it has become a little ďroutine.Ē We recently moved in together and I have found evidence of him looking at porn. I donít want to be a ďnaggyĒ girlfriend. I am recently divorced and donít have any desire to be in a relationship where there is constant bickering and resentment. But what to do when you have feelings of inadequacy because your man wants to look at ďcollege chicksĒ with big boobs? I am stuck here. I love my boyfriend and I see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I know that he loves me but why w0uld he rather look at them instead of waiting and saving his sexual energy for me the woman he says he loves. It has left me to feel like I should ďstep it upĒ in order to keep my man satisfied. Because ultimately that is my job as his partner: to keep him satisfied in that department. Just as much as it is my job to do that for him it is his job to do the same in return. I guess I have just come to the conclusion that as long as he is not being ďinteractive,Ē because that would definitely be cheating in my book, to just let him have this privacy. As long as it doesnít interfere with our sex life. I am in no way perfect but I know I am attractive and as much as you can be in love if your man doesnít appreciate your body there is someone else who will and vice versa.

Bottom line: Respect each others needs for some privacy. Everyone needs a little time to escape from reality. Communicate your needs. Sexual and emotional. If both of you are on the same page about the otherís needs you are more likely to be satisfied and for me that helps me with my feelings of inadequacy. It is only natural that both men and women are at some point in time attracted to people of the opposite sex even when they are in committed relationships. Just as long as they donít act on it.


Nath said...
Porn is harmless, unless your partner is against it. If it was like this for me I would watch it very rarely and not tell her, got to have some freedom, who says whatís right and whatís wrong in the world? except for the very obvious stuff.


Cenedra said...
Like many responders here, i stumbled upon this article/question because i was looking for some sort of answers about why my bf would be looking at porn, even though he is in a relationship with me. I have to say that i am 50/50 on some responses i have read, but for the most part, the one that sticks with me the most is the trust issue. I will fully admit that i am insecure in the bedroom, i have some intimacy problems, but i do enjoy sex, and i do enjoy pleasing him sexually, just as i know he likes pleasuring me also. He does not hide the fact that he looks at porn, but he also doesnít share any of it with me.I have asked him to, but still, he doesnít. I have read a few articles this morning about why men in relationships look at porn, there are many reasons, some i believe and some i dismiss as ridiculous or inexcusable. I have a deeper understanding of why now than i did before. I know he loves me, and i know he finds me attractive. We have a few issues about certain aspects of our sex life, BDSM is a strong one in which i seem to have a lot of insecurities. I feel i donít perform the role he wants me to perform well at all, or satisfactorily, or whatever. I get that this is an issue with my self esteem rather than him thinking i am not good enough. I also understand that he may be satisfying his physical and psychological needs that i have a hard time doing by looking up this type of porn online and collecting on his computer. I also chose to accept the fact that he is way more into this than i when we started dating, but i still have desire to be involved in BDSM as it is an aspect of my sex life i have explored and been curious about before meeting him, and a part of why i chose to pursue him. So having said all that, why does it still bother me that he seems to have a daily habit of looking at images and videos of porn, and even collects images on his computer? Is it because i feel he is doing it in secret? Well not really, since i know he does it. Is it the frequency of it? yes, i feel the frequency of his porn habit is part of why i feel insecure about it. Why would he need to look at images of women being tied up, or femdom if not because he doesnít feel he is getting what he needs in real life with me? Is there an implied expectation on my end that i need to be like those women online he finds? Is there that implied expectation that i need to be there for him sexually all the time? Yes, there is. Is it warranted or realisitic? Probably not. Yet these are my thoughts. He may not be getting some somewhere else, but he is obviously getting some gratification, and i feel it is because i am not providing, which makes me feel worthless and inadequate, and generates feelings of worthlessness. He has told me many times he doesnít look at porn for those reasons, but when i ask him to give me a reason, he says he doesnít have a specific reason, he just does it. He also uses the excuse that men are wired this way, which irritates me as it seems like a lazy answer to me, like he doesnít really want to spend the time indulging my feelings by actually coming up with clever answerÖthis breaks the trust in his words and actions for me. When i feel like my trust has been betrayed, or when his actions donít match his words, it is hard for me to get in the mood to ďdominateĒ him, and thus leads us right back to the same cycle of no sexual contact.

Now i do admit to watching videos of people having sex, or certain sexual activities that we as a couple have not explored as of yet, and he doesnít feel threatened by thatÖwhy is that? I think that answer lies in the many comments i have read this morning about porn being mainly aimed at men. I donít really have an issue with fake boobs and objectified women in general, for me it is more about not being the one to provide all of his sexual enjoyment. I donít like the fact that he ďgets off Ē without me being involved. Why should he feel the need to go find it somewhere else instead of talking to me about his needs? Or coming to get it from me? Heís told me that i should make him feel wanted, but this is hard for me to do on a good day (like i said intimacy scares me), but again i feel he is being lazy. He is not putting the effort towards me that he wants me to put towards him. There is another one of my resentments, i feel like i am the one who needs to do all the work. Thatís what gets me annoyed and riled up about it. Also the fact that he dismisses my feelings as paranoid and all in my head, as though i am living a completely different reality than him.

All that to say that i can identify with the many women who feel this is not right, but i also understand that men looking at porn while in a relationship doesnít always mean the relationship is in a state of decline; rather i think it is a complicated issue and a multi-faceted one, and while there are biological aspects involved, there should always be communication and the trust should not feel as though it has been damaged by this. If there is a breach of trust on either end, resentment builds and issues come forth from that, which then create perhaps unrealistic and superficial perceptions of what the relationship should be like. In our case, i think that he is being insensitive to my feelings about his porn habit, and i am being unrealistic about how he feels towards it. Either way though, the issue is there, and will not go away unless communication is true and frequent.

Part of the work needs to be done by me, but i also feel that he needs to view this as an obstacle for the both of us, not just for me and that he isnít doing anything wrong. Looking at porn is okay i feel, as long as both partners are aware and okay with it, but as soon as someone in the relationship feels uncomfortable, it should not be up to just that person to ďlive with itĒ, but rather a joint effort at making things comfortable again, and i think thatís whatís lacking in a lot of the situations i have read today.


Mariah said...
I am a woman, aged 28. I have been with my bf for just over two years. We do not live together. When I was at his place I used his computer and realised that he looks at porn 2-3 times a week when Iím not with him. We have sex about 1-2 times a week when we stay over at each othersí place. The problem I have is that I have absolutely no problem with him looking at porn. But having read that so many women are against it, I am now starting to wonder if Iím abnormal. My bf doesnít go out of his way to hide it, but of course heís not going to come telling me thatís heís been jerking off to some model or whatever. He doesnít have unusual or outrageous sexual requests, and our sex life is pretty satisfying. But most of all perhaps I am ok with it because I personally watch porn myself at least 3 times a week. Am I abnormal? I get very stimulated by images of attractive men and women going at it. We donít watch porn together he hasnít suggested it and I think by us having some solo time it brings so much spark when we get together. He doesnít have unrealistic expectation- I told him I wanted to have a Brazilian wax and he was like what for thatís unnecessary just have to keep oneself neatly trimmed. So I really donít know if porn is bad, I guess itís a bit like alcohol- if people canít control themselves then theres trouble. I know he loves me and would do anything for me but itís unrealistic for me (or him) to think that he will never be attracted to or find someone else hot. I am very secure and we have an amazing relationship. So to me as long as we r both still in love and not seeking attention from another living person I think itís ok to fantasise every now and then.


Carla said...
Some people have problems with intimacy. They engage in sex as a form of pleasure or stress relief with no emotional connection with their partner. It is disappointing and deflating to realise that what you thought was an act of connection was merely a physical relief for your partner. Porn promotes the view that sex for sex sake is normal and healthy, which it can be if the other party is aware that this is all it means. The danger of emulating porn routines and behaviour in real relationships is that there will be conflicting expectations unless the intention is expressed. After dating one man who was heavily into porn I would not wish to date another like him as his expectations of what a woman wants and should do were unrealistic and staged to mask his inability to connect on a deep level. Using women for personal pleasure or relief with little regard to her feelings is demeaning when transferred from the screen to real life. Likewise women who anticipate a ďPretty WomanĒ scenario where a man will pay for everything and look like a movie star and behave like a gentleman will also find they run into dead-ends. There is nothing wrong with screen romance or porn between consenting adults, but a major problem occurs when people anticipate such behaviour reflects actual relationships. In both cases, the deluded soul will end up feeling cheated as their fantasy fails to transfer beyond the screen to the real world. Porno sex will not satisfy a partner seeking emotional intimacy, and idealised romance is a very hard act to maintain for a sustained amount of time. Gullible viewers have been duped to believe that what they watch reveals what they deserve to have. Respect, affection and realistic expectations are vital to maintain a healthy relationship.


Stephanie said...
so itís mother nature, huh!? Seriously. No. Itís something society has created. I am living in a long distance relationship with an awesome guy.

I have to admit that I am kind of an insecure person, always been jealous even tho I know who and what I am, what I have and donít have but I am still adorable. I am making sacrifices wherever I can. I have never learned as much in my life as I have since I am with my fiance. Things about myself, things about people around me and things about the relation between men and women. I think you all made some valid points. I agree when you say that other girls are not unattractive to my man just because he met me. There are always going to be people that are attractive, and yes, my man has a right to find them attractive. I do not blame him for that or other girls. He chose to be with me which is the most important fact so I donít have to care about other girls.

We have recently had issues in our relationship because of him wanking off to porn- which is not a big deal to me when I am not around. He is a guy and he has needs, so when I am not there he has to be able to get some satisfaction. Of course I wish this satisfaction would come from just watching movies, that we made when we had sex (they are really stimulating). still. I am not mad at him for watching porn when I am not around for a few weeks. Problems have come up the last time I came to see him. It didnít took longer than a week until he watched a porn, while I was there, ready for whatever, but he took the decision to not dedicate that pleasure to me, the woman he adores the most, the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. So of course I take it personally. I think, there is something he gets from watching porn that I canít give him.

We had a good conversation about it, he explained exactly what most folks say about watching porn ĎIt doesnít give me anything. I am aroused by watching the videos of you and me, bla bla blaí so I have to make up my mind and except that. it takes a while but I am trying really hardÖ

I could stay for another 2 weeks and had then to go back to germany. Of course, this situation is still in my mind because it made me feel like a piece of shit, it almost felt like he cheated on me, because heís getting pleasure from something/ somebody who is not me. Not even close. Fact is that we all know what it is that men see when theyíre watching porn. We all know what happens to them when theyíre watching porn and what it leads to. I do not want to say that I am an angle who never watched porn. When I am in Germany and feel the need to pleasure myself, then that is what I do. I watch porn. As soon as my man is around, I am all his. There has not been one time when I refused myself to him. I am willing to give him as much pleasure as he wants and needs.

Anyway, the point that I am trying to make is that we had huge arguments about all of this and I am really not willing to share my sexlife (which is supposed to be something between just the two of us) with porn. I want to be his pleasure just like he is my pleasure. So what happened was that I had to confront him with all of this again, because unfortunately when I came back, it didnít even take a week for him to do the same thing all over again. I was lying in bed, awake, listening to him wanking off. I honestly felt like an amused kid. I didnít want to face the truth, so I covered my ears, waited for things to be over.

When we talked about it, he came up with the same excuse again Ďit doesnít mean anything to me.í Right, why does he have to do it anyway?

The excuse of a manís nature being more horny than women doesnít mean anything to me, to be honest. I am not doubting whether it is right or wrong. The nature creates so many things that arenít good for our health like drugs, nikotin, alcohol and so on. Saying that it is created by nature does it make it right to consume it? It is everybodyís choice to do so. Just like it is a manís choice to wank off to some porn. With that he decides to be pleasured from something/someone who is not his partner.

Do I want to work on my insecurity? YES! I do not want to be insecure. And if you ask whether not wanting my finace to watch porn has anything to do with my insecurities, I have to admit that yes, I donít want that because of that and because of the reason that I want his pleasure to be dedicated to me. I am not willing to make up my mind for something that doesnít belong to a relationship where there are two people involved, at the same time 3,4,5,6,7 other girls who pleasure my man every week, even if it is just onlineÖ we know what they see and we know what they get. If we both wanted to have more people involved in our sex life, it should be a decision that we make together and not something where guys say Ďjust except it, the nature created men as being more horny than women, being more visual stimulated than womení. Valid points. No doubt. Mother nature hasnít created porn so what gives you the right to watch it?

If youíre able to convince me of something else, please feel free to do so.


Leon said...
All things considered - you can't possess someone's mind. To deny people their flights of sexual fancy is harmful and ultimately unstoppable; there does have to be some mutual discretion though. When I was younger a girlfriend asked me if I still wanked off, despite our healthy sex-life, I said I did. Then she asked me what I thought about whilst in the act. What she was expecting me to say was "you sweetheart" but I replied "lots of different people, situations, visions"... not what she had in mind. Naive I know. But true. I deny anybody to say otherwise. Should I have told a white lie?

This is about masturbation, pure and simple. It's a release and no more than that. The majority of men can respond to relatively simple graphic imagery for stimulation. I'm a fan of erotic literature and found Anais Nin at an early age, but can get off to regular porn. It's what i'm feeling like at that particular moment in time. 21st Century living is increasingly bombarded by photoshopped, airbrushed ultra-real imagery. If this is going to be an issue to stress about then I think it's time to take stock. Lock the door, cancel the subscriptions, turn off the TV...

Or say "bollocks to it", be happy and proud. Shake your bits and get on with it. You're all beautiful.


Jazmine said...
Well this is pretty difficult for me. I agree with a lot of the comments posted but still have many questions as to why. My boyfriend and I of a little over two years have no problems in bed. The best thing is we both want each other like crazy when it comes to sex. I have never once turned him down. Our sex life is very adventurous. What bothers me is my man has his girl at home who doesn't turn him down yet again he's watching all these girls in these porn videos. Sometimes it's the same porn star over and over again. Now is he imagining that he's doing her or what? I hate that this has been going on for a really long time and has caused many problems in our relationship. He's getting everything he needs and if anything he's the one that's turned me down plenty of times and when he does turn me down it brings me back to porn and that it probably already did the job for him. So to some of these post I don't agree with, if a man is getting it all handed to him. Then what's his excuse now? I love what John posted and proves a lot of the comments wrong; there are good men out there. I dont think there is an excuse in my opinion if you got a girl and you picked her for a reason, you fell in love and connected with her; she's different. Now if you picked her and she loving you unconditionally and giving you what you want. What's the problem? Is it me? I think that visual and horniness and all that is just a bunch of bs. If anything I think if the guy can't see that his girl is right in front of him and he's turning to porn instead of you he just has a problem.


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