Are These Signs of Immaturity or Cold Heartedness?

Question asked by Natali - I was with my boyfriend for 7 months; I was his first girlfriend, he was 18 when we met, I am quite a bit older. He split up with me saying that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. Since then he's been basically trying to have as many girls as he can, and I feel he just used me to 'practice on'. I went through a hard time and hadn't been with anyone for 5 years when we met and it was very hard for me to trust him, and now I feel totally ashamed and embarrased not to mention hurt. I was falling in love with him. Is he really as cold and horrible as I think he is, or is it just immaturity because he's so young?


Hi Natali,

Basically, your ex-boyfriend is out “exploring” and yes, it’s evident that he’s not ready for serious relationships right now. In his own mind he believes that he should not be tied up to any single girl as yet, as it would hinder his “exploration”.

Is he being cold and immature? In a way yes, he is being cold because he deserted you while you are truly in love with him and it would be fair to say that he played with your feelings. He is being immature because he is yet to understand that “flings” are fun but not everlasting. The cold reality of “rejection” and loneliness might hit home with him sooner or later; he will appreciate a “true” connection, and companion, when he sees through the fickleness of “jazzy” relationships. But this might take years if he is a coconut.

To be really fair to him, he is still very young (may be near the end of his teenager years). Though you love him, it’s evident that he was never in love with you. Did he use you? It might look that way, but it was definitely not “intentional” on his part. He was just having an “experience”. He realized pretty quickly that he wanted more “fun” and more sex rather than a “steady” relationship. He is presently “gawk” eyed about all the options available to him, there are so many girls around and so many experiences to be had. Like most frilly youngsters, he will go on about his “exploration” until he hits ground zero.

Some guys may come across as being really cold, self-centered and mean in the way they behave in relationships. They tend to cheat on their girlfriend, they are quick to “dump” a stable relationship, they are continually looking for better sex experiences and they never connect at a “heart” level. In a way, these guys are what you might want to call “explorers” and some end up exploring all their life. You might want to call it “immaturity”; these guys lack the depth in their character and hence find happiness in the surface level pleasures. They will never be suited for “committed” relationships, though they may appear very attractive and adventurous.

Your ex-boyfriend is presently in his “playboy” avatar and there is no guarantee how long it will last. It depends upon his emotional maturity and depth of character. There are many guys who are only interested in “surface level” relationships, mostly for the sex part of it. They never grow up enough to get into deep or “serious” relationship, which requires a certain emotional maturity. If you expect these guys to stay “true” to a relationship, or stay committed, you are asking for the impossible, and you are bound to get hurt and exploited.

It’s not fair to hold anyone responsible for your hurt; the only person responsible for your predicament is “yourself”. Your ex-boyfriend is behaving the way that’s natural for him. He cannot be any other way. You were searching for love and trust from a person who was not ready for such depth, so who’s responsible?

Don’t end up labeling all guys as “undependable”. There are many men out there who are looking for “true” love and connection. There are still a lot of “good” men out there who have a value system and a sense of responsibility. Unfortunately, these men are not as “jazzy” as the adventurous ones, so girls tend to overlook them. The “jazzy” ones will be fun, and attractive, but it won’t be long before they ditch you. The “dependable” ones are not jazzy but they recognize true love, and go the distance.

You seem to be a very “sensitive” person. After this episode you might find it difficult to trust guys in general and feel very vulnerable in a relationship. But in truth, you must realize that you made a mistake by going for the “wrong” guy. Everyone makes mistakes; that’s how we learn and appreciate better things in life. What’s important now is that you stop being hung up on the “past” and move forward. Chuck your ex-boyfriend, don’t bother with him anymore. Why are you keeping tab on how many girls he’s going around with? It’s insane to inflict such pain upon yourself.

Look out for a man who connects with you as you are. Chuck immature men who are still stuck with “short term” pleasure making, they won’t be compatible with your nature. You need someone who has a depth to his character, someone who is emotionally mature and stable. There are many men who are sensitive and caring, while also being strong and responsible. You will feel secure and protected when you are in a relationship with such a man. The only problem is that these type of men are usually the “quiet” ones; they don’t go around “broadcasting” themselves. As they say, “still waters run deep”.

A small piece of advice, avoid looking for committed relationships with guys who are younger to you. It mostly doesn’t work. Look for a guy who is at least one year older to you. In most cases, if a guy is younger to you, he will ditch you for a younger girl sooner or later.






Your Comments

Natali said...
Thank you for your reply. Wow, that hit home! Everything you said is true, and basically yes I need to move on, thats the bottom line.