How To Tell If A Man Is A Player?

Published on: June 22, 2014

How do you know when a man only wants to have sex with you? How would that man behave towards you; what might that man tell you versus a man who is really interested in a real relationship? In other words, how to tell if a man is a player? – Question asked by Julia

Hi Julia,

Some guys are “players”. Their only motive is to seek sexual pleasure from a girl and ditch her when they no longer find her stimulating enough. These guys, in general, are quite cynical about the very concept of “love” and their only interest is in surface level pleasure. They use sex as a means of adventure, and achievement, without ever connecting with their partner at any emotional level.

Guys who are seasoned “players” can be very shrewd and subtle in their tactics. They are very good at hiding their true intentions. Girls usually have a “gut” instinct about players, but some guys are so good at hiding their “player” nature that they can get past the defenses of the most intuitive girl.

A weakness that many girls have is that, for them, “attraction” overrides intuition. So when a girl is deeply attracted to a guy, she usually ignores her intuition. Players know this, and they use it to their advantage. They exhibit “artificial” behavior intended at increasing a girl’s attraction for them; and once she is hooked in her attraction they go for the kill.

So as a girl, how do you know when a man is only interested in having sex with you, or when a man is plainly being a player? There are certain signs that you can watch out for, which can be a helpful indication.

How To Tell If A Man Is A Player?

Here are some signs that indicate that a man is a player:

1.) He is Too Smooth

When a guy is a player, he is adept at striking conversations with girls, and is usually suave in his flirting. Players know that girls are inherently attracted to “studs” who are self-assured and confident, so they usually project a image of being super cool and cocky.

They practice their opening lines, their conversation starters and some “flirty” jokes and punch lines, with professional alacrity. They can “impress” a girl quite easily with their mannerisms, body language and talk. Of course, most of it is completely artificial and a “put on” purely for the purpose of catching a girl’s attention and spiking her attraction.

2.) He Flirts Openly and Boldly

When a guy is a player, his intention is to “capture” as many girls as he can. The only way he’s going to accomplish this is by “flirting” as much as possible with as many girls as possible. He will not lose time when he spots a likely target.

He will usually start off with deliberate eye contacts; you will notice that a player maintains steady eye contact and does not look away when you look back at him. In fact, he will give you a bold “playful” smile and wait for your reaction. If you look inviting, he will start initiating friendly conversation and before long he will have your contact number and may be even a “date”.

Men who are Players are really good at making eye contact. In contrast, most “normal” guys are quite shy about making eye contact with a girl, and would usually look away when the girl meets their eye. Players are bold in their approach, and don’t come across as being shy about making eye contact, smiling or starting a conversation, and flirting. It’s the quickness and boldness of their approach that should tip you off.

3.) He’s a Bit Too “Interesting”

If guy triggers your attraction within a few moments of interaction, there’s a huge possibility that he’s a player who is adept at pushing your buttons. When a guy is only interested in having sex with you, he’s not going to waste time on “non sex” hours. So he will try to up your attraction as quickly as he can. He will project himself in such a manner that he comes across as the most “interesting” guy you’ve ever met. For your own good, you should be cautious when a guy comes across as being too interesting too soon.

4.) He’s Keen on Physical Intimacy

Guys who are players don’t want to waste their time on developing any “emotional” intimacy. The only thing they are interested in is physical intimacy and they go for it as quickly as they can. They will start touching a girl by the first date, and might even try kissing her. By the second date, they usually try to initiate some form of physical intimacy. If they sense that a girl is too reserved or cautious, they usually move on to more interesting prospects. You can almost sense a sexual tension in their voice and body language, when they are with you on a date.

5.) He Shows a Lot of “Fake” Interest in You

A players knows that the easiest way to get a girl “swooning” over him is to give her the “initial” importance. So he praises her, he “listens” to all her opinions and views, he lets her talk and pretends to be really interested in everything she says, he pampers her with attention, and basically he makes her feel like she has found her “prince charming”.

6.) He Triggers “impulsiveness” in You

Girls can get really impulsive when they are blinded in the moment of attraction.

A guy who is a player, knows this weakness in girls. So he will instigate feelings of “sexual” attraction by his mannerisms and then quickly get her to act out the impulse. Basically the players are looking for girls who are “easy”, these are the ones who are impulsive and short-sighted when blinded by attraction. When you are in the throes of attraction it’s easy to act out of impulse and have sex with him, only to realize later that you’ve played for.

It’s actually easy to weed out a player. Just make him wait for sex, and if he starts losing interest you know what his agenda was to start with. If a guy really loves you, he will not mind waiting for sex till it feels right. This is how you know if a man really loves you or just wants to have sex with you.

Just remember that if a guy comes across as being too smooth in his approach, it’s basically because of the practiced ease – he’s just playing you like he has played others. The only problem is that as a girl, you can get blinded in your attraction.

  • Julia

    Thank you 😀 this was very helpful!

  • Elli

    THANK YOU 🙂 I am convinced that the guy who broke my heart in februari was a player now..

    I have been going over and over this in my mind for many months, “what if he just was afraid of a relationship”? “what if he wasn’t sure of MY emotions?”. But I will just have to face it. He made me feel like the most wonderful women in the world; it was his ticket into my pants, and that is it. It’s a really sour caramel for a pride women like me to suck on And I fell in love with him as well. Or the image he projected of himself. I am angry that there’s no protection against these types of guys. He has taken so many weeks from me, so many tears, and all he has done is gone more self adored and been with a bunch of other women. Cupid amor doesn’t always play fairly.

    • Susan

      Elli, your only protection is to learn what the signs are.

      My Player tells me he never “played” me, of course he did. After 5 years, he tells me that he loves me, but doesn’t want sex anymore, because now he respects me. But it was good enough until now.

      For five years I was adored, stood up, worshiped, ignored and treated like I was the only woman in the world.

      And no matter what, no matter who, he came back for more every time. A month ago he told me that he would never settle down, and was happy to date all kinds of women.

      This month he asks MY advice. In the same conversation that I call to tell him about my horrible blind date; he tells me that he is totally hot for his son’s preschool teacher and she for him. He tells me that she’s sweet, pretty like a little pixie.

      And he hopes to hold her hand! And that he thinks it can take a long time to ease her into a relationship. OMG She has no idea. He says she’s cool with all his Facebook friends, 99.9 % are women. This guy can’t keep his eyes in his head.

      I hope she’s strong enough to deal with him.

  • Anonymous

    I disagree with this. Most guys will do some of these things when meeting someone new. it’s only natural. According to this, you should be looking for a bland, mediocre, timid guy. I’m not saying let your guard down, but have some faith and don’t come off stand-offish! He may legitimately be a very interesting, smooth, and caring person, and your skepticism and bias drive him away. Be smart.

  • Mya

    I was played by my own doctor! At first he was giving me the eye contact and I fell for it; he was so cute. Then I told him that I was going to his clinic just to say hi. And he took my pressure, then told me that I was too tensed. Then after he kissed me and we had sex in his consultory. After that like about two days I called him and he told me that he was so sorry that he couldn’t call me back and that he was too busy. I kept calling him and he told me that he was busy and that he was going to call me back; but he never called. And when I just read this information I have realized that he is a player. I feel so bad about myself and I really like him and it is so hard to get over him.

  • August

    This is so true. I’m so embarrassed of myself being an educated well travel person but still naive in terms of spotting good and bad guy.:-(

    • Cool

      @August: Don’t be hard on yourself. If you can give yourself time to build on friendship first, you may get to know if a guy is a player or for “real”; cos a guy who admires you would want to get to know you and won’t disappear on you if he cannot get sex too soon.

      A lot of women confuse sex with love.

      On the other hand there are women who need sex and go along with having sex early in a relationship. This could go either way. If a guy grows to love you he will ask you to marry him; if he looses interest because you are not what he is searching for he will quit no matter how good the sex is.

      Just give yourself enough time to know a guy and above all if a relationship does not work out; do not dwell on this; tell yourself it was not meant to be.

  • Maya Gee

    I know this player and he has dated like five girls and I was almost one of them and he used to have feelings for me because I talked to him and his girlfriend didn’t and I kind of thought that was bad but he actually has feelings for. Should I give him a chance? But he’s a very disrespectful person and he treats his girlfriend like crap and he used to like me but then he got with my bff and now he likes me again but he’s with his girlfriend for the fifth time. So should I give him a chance or not? I just don’t want to get my heart broken from him please I need some advice.

  • Ann

    But you have to admit that a nice guy is not going to stare at your boobs or crotch when “listening” to you, he WILL be at least slightly nervous but still confident. A player will put on a front of a nice guy but eventually he will slip because his whole act is a fake. It is only natural to feel at least a bit nervous when approaching a pretty woman (as any decent guy will tell you) but players are so cold and so full of themselves they have none of those emotions.

  • Chintamani

    This post is the most wonderful thing hat has happened to me, and for those who have been wronged once already, we can definitely assure them that their experience is not in vain, but worth much more as they will never again fall prey to such men. In fact, may be in future, they will write insightful posts like this one! 🙂

  • Michelle

    This is absolutely spot on for me. I just ended a three month relationship with my ex-boyfriend who turned out to be a player. All the signs that have been mentioned here are the things that I wished I should have known or aware of whilst being in that relationship.

    He was definitely very flirty, charming and he likes to boast about himself. But at the time I was very attracted to him and did not seek out his true intentions.

  • Anonymous

    I moved to this new school and met a really cute boy. He has been nice to me so far. But I wasn’t sure if he liked me or not or he was just being nice to the new girl. One day he called me sweetie and I told him not to but I couldn’t hold back the smile, he replied with a sorry babe I just glared at him. Like said above too smooth. I also wonder if he’s gay. I rarely see him talking to guys. One day in art class one of his friends said we should go out. I freaked because I’ve been trying, desperate, to not show my true feelings. He said no thank you. I wasn’t so upset about that only that he could have come up with some thing more original. I didn’t say anything I just pretended I didn’t care of hear. I do talk to him he’s basically 1 of 2 friends I have there. But i had my thoughts about him…this article pinpointed him perfect. I have been trying to keep my cool around him and he’s backed off. I know I’m smart enough to just be friends and now know to trust my instinct!

  • Pamela

    Thanks for the info. It has really helped me to feel much better about myself right now, as luckily I was able to spot the player just in time and dodged a bullet. I am now convinced that this guy who has been coming onto me was just after sex and so I made the right decision not to fall for it and be another notch on his bedpost!

  • Melanie

    I really have to commend this excellent article, as I thankfully just got out of dating someone who exhibited those exact traits.

    First date was absolutely wonderful, we had great chemistry, got along really well, he was totally into me as I was into him. He was a smooth talker and showed a lot of interest in me. We even made out in the car when he dropped me off (which, in hindsight, should’ve been the 1st red flag to me), but I was too blinded by the attraction that I just simply couldn’t help myself.

    The second date was much like the first: We had a great time, spent the evening chatting, laughing, flirting, but towards the end of the night, he starting getting all over me, leaning into me, touching my neck, back, and legs (which, in hindsight, should’ve been the 2nd red flag to me). I didn’t reciprocate fully with the physical contact because I wanted to take it slow, and only allowed him to hold my hands at most. We did however kiss when we departed (again, couldn’t help myself). I really felt that the chemistry was still there, as I was too attracted to him to think that anything was wrong or that he was out for only one thing.

    Weekend came, no calls or texts. I texted him once to see how he was doing and he replied with a half-assed one liner. (3rd red flag)

    Monday came and he broke it off with me saying that he wasn’t interested in a relationship (I must say that he was nice enough to do this and not have led me on any further. I bet he realized he was getting nowhere with me and quickly wanted to find his next victim… HA!). I’m just so glad I didn’t end up sleeping with him and having him bail out on me afterwards, which would’ve been much much worse.

    So, yes, I’ve been a victim of being blinded by his “fake interest” that my intuition went completely out the window. If you’re not looking to be another notch on his belt, you should definitely look into these signs. Always be cautious and mindful and do not act on impulse.

  • Rosie

    I met this player & dated for less than a month on online dating site. He tended to use his cute Pomeranian to get the girls’ attention. That jerk! But thank god that I did not have sex with him! Girls just have to be more cautious & protect themselves. These players are so good in sweet talking & intimacy in bed. They definitely have diseases especially if they’re so into sex. So ladies, take care of yourselves & don’t let these jerks trick you! Also, there are many of them are medical doctors. It’s so shameful that they’re using their “title” to get the girls in bed!

  • Denise Johnson

    Referring to comparatively women as “girls” degrades you to the low form of douchebaggery.

  • Sharon

    You’re so right about intuition being blinded by attraction! I’ve been on my own for 4 years (by choice) since my marriage ended but after encouragement by friends decided to join a dating site back at the end of August. This guy started messaging me straight away, asked for my number & 2 days later I met him cos I thought I had nothing to lose. He awakened feelings in me I hadn’t felt for a long time – he was charming, attentive, he’d bombard me with texts all day & evening & we spent a lot of time together. I had a feeling he was a player but I just went with the flow & had my fun with him. A few days ago my suspicious mind got the better of me & I did some digging on social media – within a couple of minutes I found his profile along with pics of him & his fiancée who he only got engaged to in July, 7 weeks before he started seeing me! I felt sick to my stomach but didn’t do anything straight away. I text him the next morning saying I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near him if I’d known he had a gf, let alone a fiancée he’s only been engaged to since July – disgusting! I blocked his number then straight away. Plenty of my friends have said I should tell his mrs so that she knows what he’s like, but I’d rather just try to move on & forget him. Feel better now but I’ve been upset, angry & wonder how I’m ever going to trust anyone at face value again – & I’m 46, too old for crap like this!

  • Arman

    Players are just men who’ve been hurt. They keep playing the game cause they don’t believe love actually exists. Take it from me, I’m a guy who knows players in real life, they all had someone early in their life break them.