Question asked by Stacey – I have been having some problems with my husband and I read some of your site, but it seems to be suggesting I do what is wrong. For instance, my husband has recently had some problems with work. I was always supportive and listened and took on board his side of the story; I told him what I thought but I didn’t criticize him as your site says men don’t want to be criticised. Anyway, now he says that because I didn’t criticise him and was too supportive with him, he failed to see how he was jeopardising his career. He says I should have told him more sternly if I thought his response to situations at work were disproportionate and tried to guide him to be a better person. He says I’ve been too complacent with him and that it’s unattractive for a woman to tolerate a man who’s not trying to improve himself. He’s now been made redundant and is pretty down.
I hope you can help.
Also, your advice about men and food seems a little odd too. I’m a good cook and my husband likes my cooking, but he’s not interested in me experimenting with different foods. He knows what he likes and he likes me to cook those things. He likes to stick to that small selection of about 8 dishes, repeated over and over. He’ll eat other things I make and he’ll compliment my cooking but he says he prefers the routine stuff.
Your husband is going through a lean patch, and like most men he finds it convenient to shift the blame for his problems on his wife’s head. He says that he would have been better off if you were “critical” of him, but this is just a cop out. If you had been critical of him, he would have blamed you for not being supportive and might even have walked out on you. He’s struggling with his career, and it’s a problem only he can sort out – all you can really do is be supportive of him.
Don’t take his rants personally; it’s not your fault. Even if you had criticized him he would have ended up in a similar situation and he would have blamed you for not being supportive enough.
So what is your role as the woman in his life? What can you do as his wife to help him through the tough situation that he is going through? Here are a few tips you might help create a better future.
Don’t panic, and keep your calm
You are going through a bumpy ride right now and it’s important that you don’t lose your composure. Your husband is bound to behave like a stung bear, he’s bound to be grouchy and harsh with you. Frankly, he is just letting out his steam and, it’s unfair, but you happen to be taking the brunt of it. Be calm and just accommodate this behavior for a while. Serve as the example of patience and control in his life.
Be patiently loving towards him
Just let him know that you are trying to do the best you can and that you love him unconditionally no matter what he feels about himself. These are tough times, but when they are done with your husband will look back and remember your unconditional support. No one likes to be criticized, everyone wants unconditional support – even if they don’t say it out aloud. Continue to shower him with your love irrespective of how he behaves, you can be sure that he appreciates it even if only subconsciously.
Start creating a positive vibe
Remember that life never gives a problem without an equivalent solution. You are facing a problem right now but the solution is also just around the corner. But if the both of you dip yourself in negative thinking, you will never see the solution. It’s important to keep your minds clear, and focus continuously on feeling good even if it seems completely unreasonable to do so. Get him to look at the positives in his life, get him to enjoy himself a bit, get him to go out and hang out with buddies and have a good time. Don’t let him mop around all the time. The only way things can ever change for the better is when you start having positive thoughts, when you start enjoying yourself, when you start feeling good irrespective of what the present looks like.
Be the source of cheer
It’s completely counter intuitive but the best way to overcome any “low” circumstance is to stay positive and cheerful. If you get sullen, it won’t be long before negative thoughts flood your mind and poison your vibration – making things worse and attracting more suffering. Your husband is being sullen, but you don’t have to copy him. Be the source of cheerfulness and playfulness in your house. You will be surprised at the positive future you can create by being cheerful in the present, irrespective of how “low” things might look.
Don’t encourage negativity in him
Get him to talk positive and think positive, you can do this without being critical of him. Get him to see his own potential, encourage him to be the best he can. Don’t be his “pin” cushion, don’t be a passive listener, but be the source of motivation. Ignite the fire of self-belief in him by getting him to see his own qualities.
As for the part about food, just cook him what he likes. If he doesn’t like variety, it doesn’t make sense for you to keep experimenting with different cuisines. Many men love to savor different types of cuisines, but there are some men who are quite “monotonous” as far as their appetites are concerned. Just accommodate what his preference is and it should be fine.
You seem to be a very doting wife, and you have genuine love for your husband. It might seem that presently your husband is not being very appreciative of what he has, but he will realize it one day. Your role as his wife, is be the source of motivation, to be the mirror which reflects his good qualities, to be the bastion that stands with patience through the storms. Such devotion is bound to bear fruits of joy and well-being in the days to come.