Question asked by Jane – My boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago after going out together for a year and a half. Since the start of our relationship we have always had issues over spending time together. He likes to spend his weekends doing sporting things, cycling running and competitive events.
He never really made plans to spend full weekends with me, I am always the one that would initiate that and that frustrated me a lot and made me feel insecure about him wanting to spend time with me. I never expected him to give up his outdoor activities but to just include me in some of his weekends. Its not as if we never saw each other, we did meet during the week and in every other way he was a thoughtful boyfriend and I know he really liked me. Two months ago the week before my birthday we had a discussion about spending more weekends together, and making plans for weekends. He agreed and suggested that maybe we would go away for my birthday for the weekend, so I said that would be nice. The next night while chatting to him on the phone he mentioned that he had booked that day to do a cycle on that weekend of my birthday. I was so hurt because he had said that we were meant to be going away for my birthday and we ended up having a big fight and nearly broke up. We resolved things and said we would go away the weekend after which I was happy with and he said in general that he would make more of an effort to do things together at weekends, and I was happy with that. A month later we were talking about summer plans and he mentioned in passing plans he had made for about five weekends of the summer doing outdoor activities. The plans were for most of the summer and didn’t include me, I was so upset after all our discussions and could barely talk to him for a few days. We eventually met and there was a lot of tension and then he asked me what was wrong and I explained about the weekend thing.
I went on about saying how I was tired of having the same conversation and that I didn’t know if we would ever find a balance where we would both be happy, I was so frustrated I probably went on a bit too much and was maybe a little unreasonable and harsh. He didn’t say much, only things are not that bad and I am not that bad of a boyfriend, am I. The next morning he didn’t talk to me and that evening I tried to call him to talk and his phone was switched off. He got in touch a day later and said he wanted to break up and that he didn’t have to give any explanation, he said he would drop my things back to me the next day. I asked how long he had been thinking about that and he said only the last two days. The next day he called to my place with all my things and again said he didn’t owe me any explanation, he was very mad. I said a few things to him, that I didn’t think he was a bad boyfriend and that all I wanted was to spend more time with him. He just said he felt like I had pushed him into breaking up and that sometimes it felt like it didn’t matter what he did that he felt like it never made me happy and he also said that he needed space and that was it. He was so cold and cruel and just very final about everything and he is a nice guy so I found it hard that he could treat me that way. We have had no contact since and I sent him a letter just to apologise for how I was to him that night before breaking up as I know myself I was unreasonable, but no response from him. I was crazy about him and would love if we could work things out. Is there any hope for us? How do I get back together with my boyfriend?
The only bond that keeps a relationship together is “true love”, nothing else. In the absence of true love any minor or major misunderstanding can trigger a final break up, but when love is true no matter how may break ups are initiated, the couple always get back together. Misunderstandings and upsets are part and parcel of any relationship, but the bottom line is how true is the love in both your hearts? One-sided love never works. Simply put, in your case, if your boyfriend truly loves you, then he will get back in touch and initiate a patch up, if he does not it just means one thing – his love was “never true” to start with.
From your description, unfortunately or fortunately, what comes up is that the break up is final. The fact that he dumped your things back at your place confirms it. He seems to be one of those “self loving” guys who want to believe that they are doing people an obligation just by being in relationship with them. He is also the type of guy who really doesn’t need a relationship, or crave it. He will be quite happy being single, or having another one-sided relationship with another girl. Truth be said, guys like him usually don’t even know what “love” is all about, for them a relationship is simply a “duty” or a “formality”. It’s simply because he is “self sustained” and “self contained” and “self happy”, he doesn’t need a relationship the way you do. He’s happy with his outdoor life and his hobbies, you were just a small part in his life, contrary to that he was a major part in your life (may be the central part in your life). You loved him, but he really did not feel the same intensity.
It’s important to understand what “love” means in terms of intimate relationships. Love, in relationships, is about “needing” the other person or “wanting” the other person’s presence in your life because they make you feel happy, loved or complete. This does not mean that love is “neediness”, but simply an emotional bonding to the other person where you are attached to the presence of the other person in your life. Relationship is the spice of life, and love is one of the most beautiful emotions (if you can call it an emotion) that human being can ever experience. Yes, in relationships, love does involve a good bit of “neediness”, and that’s what sustains it in the first place. If you don’t “need” the other person in your life, what would be the point of a relationship? When both partners are “needing” each other, then the relationship lasts forever, when they stop needing each other (even if one of them stops needing) the relationship ends. So true love means “true needing”, as far as human relationships are concerned. There is such thing as “unconditional” or “detached” love, but for that you need to be a “Buddha”.
Why are you blaming yourself at all? You did nothing wrong, you were completely justified in wanting to spend more time together. What’s the point of a relationship if the partners don’t find time to be together. In a “true love” relationship the partners can’t bear the time away from each other and want to be together as much as they possibly can. In general, if your partner is not the central priority in your life, it just means that you don’t love him/her truly enough, which simply means that you don’t “need” them so much in your life. In fact, you were being extremely understanding of him and he just never understood you, simply because he never felt the same way about you. Is it his fault? Not at all, that’s just the way he is, this is his personality, this is the type of person he is, you can’t expect anything else out of such a personality, it’s in his genes – he will always love cycling more than his girlfriend, or wife for that matter.
Your boyfriend, instead of understanding your situation, took your complains as a “personal” insult to his ability to be a “good” boyfriend. This just shows his perspective on relationships – for him it’s just about doing the “job” right and he thought that he was fulfilling his “duty” by meeting up with you every now and then while giving you the privilege of being his girlfriend. So when you told him that you were not happy, he took it as personal insult, because in his own mind he thought he was fulfilling his “job” as a perfect boyfriend. You can’t blame him, because guys like him don’t even know what emotional bonding is all about, for them relationship is just another “schedule” or “duty” to be taken care of for the sake of it.
A girl like you will be much better off being with a guy who really values your love and care. You have strong capacity to love, and you are willing to dedicate and devote yourself to the subject of your love, and that’s a beautiful thing. All you now need is a guy who can appreciate that love, and return it. You have a deep need to be loved, and you want the attention and care of your loved one; your boyfriend was not able to understand this perspective because he never really understood you at all. Your boyfriend (ex) lives his own life and expects you to live your own life, while spending a few tit-bit times together. You on the other hand want to share his life, and you want him to share your life – he’s not the right guy for that.
There are two options. You can pursue him again, and apologize, and cry, and somehow patch up with him and be ready to feel “unloved” again for as long as the relationship lasts or you could just “kick” him out of your life and let the universe bring forth a relationship that is more fulfilling and satisfying. The third option is that you become a “Buddha” or an “enlightened creature” and understand what “detached” love is, so you never need a relationship again (just joking). You asked, is there hope? The answer to that would be – even if there is a hope for a patch up, the relationship would be hopeless as ever (unless you become a Buddha).
Let him go, if he can break up with you so easily and with such finality, simply over a justified complaint on your part, it just shows he never loved you (from the start), not the way you define love. Can you not see that it was always painful for you to be in this relationship always trying to get him to know your needs? Was this relationship really ever fulfilling for you that you want it to last? Was he ever a generous lover, even when having sex? Didn’t you realize that you’ve been playing the second fiddle to his true love for outdoor sports (his true girlfriend may be his cycle). Just relax for a while, and let all the anger and stress fizzle out. Take a break, go for a vacation, or just chill out with your family or friends. This is not an end, it’s just a new beginning.