Question by Sara
I really appreciate you reading this and giving me an advice, this has been giving me a great headache and lots of confusion.
I’m 23 and my fiance is 47. Age is not the issue, the issue is that I am from a different nationality and we had a long distance relationship for over a year before getting engaged which resulted me coming to his home country to live with him as part of a legal status which had given us 3 months to get married before getting kicked out from the country.
The engagement was his idea, also me coming over was his idea. I had to leave my flat, my friends and family and school, to come and join him in his home so we can start a life together.
I have noticed that since the engagement he has been very hesitating about getting married and always found an excuse to postpone the marriage, for legal and financial issues.
We decided we are not having a big fancy wedding just a court wedding and saving up the money on a big vacation trip to the Bahamas/ south America.
I have never really realized the postponing was due to his emotional instability. I just believed in whatever excuse he had to come up with.
Knowing that I left school and everything behind and came to this country where I am not allowed to work or drive or do anything until we get married, so basically my life is on hold and depending on this wedding, knowing I was leading a very adventurous and traveling life.
After a lot of struggle we finally got the marriage license and agreed that one week after it we will have the actual wedding.
On the day we were supposed to go to court he said he didn’t find a judge and couldn’t take off work. Later after coming home he asked me if we could maybe do it next week, I kindly said okay. But after thinking of it for a while I realized I have given him much time and never asked him for anything other than what he had planned and suggested, so I waited for 30 minutes and decided to talk to him about it.
I opened up the subject and asked him if we could talk about it; he agreed, I clearly explained that, by not pressuring him and giving him time I have been putting all the emotional stress on me, my family telling me I have left nothing to go back to, and him asking for time.
I hate dramatic talks, but we had to talk about it, I had to know where I am standing, if I should start planning my way back or planning my future life, although everything he did and say during the conversation was hurting I decided to bury it in me and not letting it affect us or his decision making.
After a long discussion he gave me a date which is 7 days from now, I clearly said if we aren’t doing it that day I am going to start packing and figuring out where to go and what to do.
I love him so much and I have done nothing but compromise and do whatever he asked for, I feel now guilty for making him choose and clearly make his decision if he wants it or not, which is completely normal.
This morning he woke up very angry and upset and refused to talk to me; implying I could’ve never came up with a better way to push him away from me. He is a nice person I totally Understand his fears, he got divorced 20 years ago because he saw his wife on bed with somebody else and lost custody of his 2 girls; but this doesn’t mean I have to pay in pain and tears for something he is afraid of and has nothing to do with me.
what I am asking is did I do wrong by asking him to tell me what is going on in his head? and if he really wants to be with me or not?
How should I deal with him? should I keep talking to him although he refuses to answer me? Should I just shut up and give him time?
I am very confused and have no body to share this with.
Thank you for taking from your time to read this long post, but you must know that anything you would say might help this confused sad person getting through with this.