Hi, I have been working with with a man for years. We consider each other friends even though we don’t know one another very well on a personal level.
I think he’s had a secret crush on me for a while.
He recently moved to another city and I put him in touch with a friend of mine to help advise him on the area, etc which she did. He made the comment he thought she was a classy woman which I thought an odd thing to say but let it go at the time.
He proceeded to ask me out and if I would come visit him for a date.
I booked a ticket for a month in the future in order to get the best fare. I really seemed we were both looking forward to getting to know one another.
The problems started after I accepted the date. He and I spoke on the phone a couple of times and he happened to mention it takes him a while to open up to someone he’s dating. He also mentioned again how he thought my friend was classy. Mind you he hadn’t given me a compliment yet.
A week or so later, I found out from my friend that he and my friend had coffee together (turns out he drove her to one of his favorite coffee places) and he opened up to her about his life there so far, his plans for the future etc.
I was very hurt that she knew all of these things about him that I didn’t and that night I didn’t sleep at all wondering does he have a crush on my friend? What does this mean? Does he like her more than me?
I texted him the next morning (a Sunday) asking him if he has time to talk with me sometime that day. He said he was busy all day. I texted him that I spoke with my friend and she mentioned they got together for coffee and she told me all about their conversation and that I was confused and concerned.
I then said that it seems to me he likes her. I also said if he truly cares for me that he won’t want to mess up our relationship that was budding so far. He texted back “I want to protect what we have!!!!!!!”. Then he said we should have a heart to heart. I said okay.
I didn’t hear from him in 2 days so I texted him again saying that I forgive him and trust him again and am not upset. No word now for 6 days. Did I ruin things? Is he gone?
How frustrating it is to deal with so much uncertainty!
This guy wants to build a relationship with you, but he seemed to be giving attention to your friend. He told you that he moves slowly to open up to someone he is dating, but now you find that he has opened up to your friend whom he barely knows.
On top of that, he has been telling you how nice she is when he hasn’t even given you any compliments. It may be feeling as if the opportunity to have a relationship with this new love interest is slipping away.
In your vulnerable state, you contacted him, told him of your concern, and even challenged his affection for you.
His coffee time with your friend and his compliments of her were probably innocent-driven more by the wish to thank her and also thank you for putting him in touch with someone who could help out.
Your anxiety over the situation likely worried him, and it’s possible that he may even feel distrusted.
If you do not have faith at the start of the relationship, you are headed down a long road of emotional volatility.
You will be tangled in a cycle of suspicion and anxiety, and the trap of trying to control it will continue to keep you up at night. Exhausted and unbalanced, you won’t have the energy to thrive or the ability to feel content.
On the flip side, your new guy deserves trust and respect because he has done nothing intentionally wrong. And if he feels controlled by you, then he won’t be happy either. Without your acceptance and confidence, his resentment will begin to grow.
To right this situation, your first mission is to nurture yourself.
Nurture Your Self-worth
Before you visit your new guy, take time to focus on YOU.
Think about your strengths. Just what is it that makes you special? Dig deep and be generous. Even imagine that you are a best girlfriend going through a rough patch. What would you tell her?
A few qualities are already obvious:
Dedication – You have dedicated yourself to building a relationship with someone who has moved away. Long distance relationships are challenging, but you are willing to take on the challenge.
Investment – You are investing your money AND your time. You bought a plane ticket just to see him!
Risk-taking – You are a risk-taker because you know risks can pay great rewards.
Now think about some of the other good qualities you possess, either within the setting of your new relationship or in other aspects of your life.
After you have recognized these special qualities, go a bit further and give yourself permission to make mistakes. Forgive anything that you don’t like about yourself. After all, you are a complex and beautiful being. Love yourself.
Caring for your Budding Relationship
All is not lost. Your new sweetheart said that he wanted to protect what the two of you have developing. Even if he is upset and has become distant, there are still some steps you can take to improve the situation.
1.) Own your emotions
Let him know that you have been anxious, which has lead to your suspicious behavior.
Apologize for acting out towards him, but take care not to apologize for your emotions. Remember that emotions are a natural and necessary part of an overall contented life.
3.) Develop Trust
Trust him to keep your relationship a priority. If he missteps, by all means communicate your concerns with him. However, use respectful and loving words that help him feel accepted and honored by you.
Additionally, make sure that your girlfriend in the other city is aware that you are having a date with this gentleman.
Here is a subtle way to do this the next time you talk to her: Tell her you’d love to see her when you are in town visiting your guy, and then share your excitement of taking an airplane to your first date.
Finally, remember that kind and compassionate messages to yourself and your new sweetheart not only help you be the best version of you, but they also give your budding relationship energy to flourish.