Question asked by Ally – So this guy and I meet about a month ago and Yes maybe the quickest thing that would ever happen in the history of my life but “I just feel it” this is the last man I really think I will ever date.
He and I have already brought up marriage and moving closer to each other. We are currently about an hour and half apart. So now we have so much in common so far.
But as time goes on and we get to know each other better, sometimes a conversation takes us to the past and my hesitation to talk about my past ( I had a wild early 20’s ) makes him feel that I am holding something back for some reason. And now it is almost coming to the point of argument which I don’t handle well.
What should a girl do? When it comes up during a conversation while some of my girlfriends converse with him or even worse my parents?
Do I just leave the wild times behind and not tell him or do I tell him and let him form his own opinions of me and possibly face him maybe throwing this away?
It can be so difficult to come to grips with our pasts! Of course, you want to leave your “wild times” behind you and move on into what sounds like a bright future with your new love!
You need to forgive yourself
Whether or not you regret your past, an important first step for you is to give yourself some credit.
Whether you were a party girl or had many lovers, when we are young, it is natural to experiment with different identities. That’s the business of young adulthood-learning who we are.
Forgive yourself wholly for any actions of which you are ashamed.
A simple technique is to imagine that the “wild” girl from the past is your best friend. (Always be your own best friend!) Love her in all her messiness knowing that she only did her best to make sense of the world when she was young.
If you begin to treat yourself with the love and compassion you deserve, you bring honor to your life experiences.
It is best not to keep secrets in a relationship
Secrets can spoil the best of relationships. But not because of the reason you may think!
Yes, secrets are a kind of deception that may hurt your lover, but the person that is most damaged by a secret is the owner of the secret.
When you withhold information from your lover, you create a closed door between the two of you. That door grows thicker because you cannot trust whether your lover accepts you totally.
This door blocks you from having a deep intimacy with the one you love-the intimacy that you deserve in your relationship.
It can be frightening to open the door to your heart to someone. However, the only way you can know that he truly loves you is to be completely open and honest about who you are AND who you have been.
Telling him about your past
You have probably guessed that you should tell him about your “wild days.”
When you are finally ready to open up to him, consider the following tips.
1. Find the right time
Sooner rather than later! Come to him during a tender moment instead of waiting until you are at the point of argument.
2. Express your state of mind
Tell him it’s scary to open up! Say, “I love you and I want to honor that love by telling you some of my deepest secrets and fears.”
3. Give him only the basic information
All you need to give is the basic information. Should you give every graphic detail of your adventures? NO WAY!
Some things are best not imagined.
My partner doesn’t need to imagine me with other people, but he does need to know that I had some experiences in my life of which I am ashamed to share.
He also needs to know that those experiences helped me learn who I really am –
a human being who honors a deep, caring relationship.
4. Be compassionate towards him and his reactions
Be compassionate and give him permission to become upset. Then wait patiently while he works through his feelings.
Just as you need to be kind to yourself about your past actions, you also need to give him a loving-care time to feel and process the new information about you-the one he loves.
After you tell him, he may try to understand how this new information will affect your relationship.
As he asks you questions, the best strategy is to continue to communicate how you learned and grew out of your past experiences.
5. Embrace yourself
Finally, embrace yourself and him. The two of you will be moving into a new phase of your relationship – the phase of building a strong foundation for your future together.
Talking of marriage
Marriage is an intimate love bond of trust, communication and patience. As you grow into a deeper relationship, challenges will occur because of the simple fact that we are perfectly imperfect humans.
There will be times when he behaves in ways you wish he wouldn’t, and there will be times when you annoy him.
If you truly believe that this relationship is worthy of taking it to that level in the future, you owe it to yourself to begin practicing the bonds. Trust him to love you even with your imperfections. Communicate your concerns with him.
Wait patiently while he processes this new information about you. Love him.