Should I Tell Boyfriend About My Wild Past?

Published on: September 25, 2016

Question asked by Ally – So this guy and I meet about a month ago and Yes maybe the quickest thing that would ever happen in the history of my life but “I just feel it” this is the last man I really think I will ever date.

He and I have already brought up marriage and moving closer to each other. We are currently about an hour and half apart. So now we have so much in common so far.

But as time goes on and we get to know each other better, sometimes a conversation takes us to the past and my hesitation to talk about my past ( I had a wild early 20’s ) makes him feel that I am holding something back for some reason. And now it is almost coming to the point of argument which I don’t handle well.

What should a girl do? When it comes up during a conversation while some of my girlfriends converse with him or even worse my parents?

Do I just leave the wild times behind and not tell him or do I tell him and let him form his own opinions of me and possibly face him maybe throwing this away?

Dear Ally,

It can be so difficult to come to grips with our pasts! Of course, you want to leave your “wild times” behind you and move on into what sounds like a bright future with your new love!

You need to forgive yourself

Whether or not you regret your past, an important first step for you is to give yourself some credit.

Whether you were a party girl or had many lovers, when we are young, it is natural to experiment with different identities. That’s the business of young adulthood-learning who we are.

Forgive yourself wholly for any actions of which you are ashamed.

A simple technique is to imagine that the “wild” girl from the past is your best friend. (Always be your own best friend!) Love her in all her messiness knowing that she only did her best to make sense of the world when she was young.

If you begin to treat yourself with the love and compassion you deserve, you bring honor to your life experiences.

It is best not to keep secrets in a relationship

Secrets can spoil the best of relationships. But not because of the reason you may think!

Yes, secrets are a kind of deception that may hurt your lover, but the person that is most damaged by a secret is the owner of the secret.

When you withhold information from your lover, you create a closed door between the two of you. That door grows thicker because you cannot trust whether your lover accepts you totally.

This door blocks you from having a deep intimacy with the one you love-the intimacy that you deserve in your relationship.

It can be frightening to open the door to your heart to someone. However, the only way you can know that he truly loves you is to be completely open and honest about who you are AND who you have been.

Telling him about your past

You have probably guessed that you should tell him about your “wild days.”

When you are finally ready to open up to him, consider the following tips.

1. Find the right time

Sooner rather than later! Come to him during a tender moment instead of waiting until you are at the point of argument.

2. Express your state of mind

Tell him it’s scary to open up! Say, “I love you and I want to honor that love by telling you some of my deepest secrets and fears.

3. Give him only the basic information

All you need to give is the basic information. Should you give every graphic detail of your adventures? NO WAY!

Some things are best not imagined.

My partner doesn’t need to imagine me with other people, but he does need to know that I had some experiences in my life of which I am ashamed to share.

He also needs to know that those experiences helped me learn who I really am –
a human being who honors a deep, caring relationship.

4. Be compassionate towards him and his reactions

Be compassionate and give him permission to become upset. Then wait patiently while he works through his feelings.

Just as you need to be kind to yourself about your past actions, you also need to give him a loving-care time to feel and process the new information about you-the one he loves.

After you tell him, he may try to understand how this new information will affect your relationship.

As he asks you questions, the best strategy is to continue to communicate how you learned and grew out of your past experiences.

5. Embrace yourself

Finally, embrace yourself and him. The two of you will be moving into a new phase of your relationship – the phase of building a strong foundation for your future together.

Talking of marriage

Marriage is an intimate love bond of trust, communication and patience. As you grow into a deeper relationship, challenges will occur because of the simple fact that we are perfectly imperfect humans.

There will be times when he behaves in ways you wish he wouldn’t, and there will be times when you annoy him.

If you truly believe that this relationship is worthy of taking it to that level in the future, you owe it to yourself to begin practicing the bonds. Trust him to love you even with your imperfections. Communicate your concerns with him.

Wait patiently while he processes this new information about you. Love him.

  • Vicky

    My case is similar but different . My bf asked me my past during a fight , i fold him partially of it , the worst part of it . Then he kept aeking me how many sex partners i had , how many ONS i had … due to my own shame and protection , i hid a little bit everytime when i told him some new experience . I was handling it wrong that way ,although now too late tk realize that . I have told him everything of my past and now he doesnt believe me . And accusing me of lying to him . No matter how i try to prove him i dnt have anything more to tell him . His answer is nothing but why dont u tell me ghe truh which drives me crazy ! Now i am in a dilemma of do not know how to deal with that . Now he cheats on me and using my past excuse to cheat and tell me this is also a compensation. I am on the edge of losibg my sanity..and idk qhat to do …

    • Hrazzi

      Screw him!!! You are so much more important than that!! Your past doesnt define you….Nobody and mark my words…nobody in this world gets the right to make you feel bad about your past! Its your choice not his…you have a say in who you want to share your secrets with and when! He doesnt get the right to use that as an excuse to cheat on you! There is no love or was none to begin with ..leave him immediately ! The sooner you realize ..the better itll be for you! No guy is worth self loathing

    • Ladie

      I think lying is never the right way to go about it either but my situation is different.

      I told the father of my unborn child EVERYTHING in the beginning and I mean all the ugly details, I made a HUGE mistake being too honest. I think you should always be honest but never get into the gritty details because my boyfriend is throwing it in my face when we fight about anything now.

      I was caught being dishonest with him a bit after all this abuse and he thinks I’m trying to mislead him about everything now. I lied because I’m scared he’ll throw it in my face. It’s really sad because we don’t argue about anything until he brings up my past and things he “could of swore I said” it’s gotten to the point where he’ll say I said something that I NEVER said and think I’m lying…lol it’s ridiculous to sit around arguing about something that happened before you even knew a person.

      He lies about where he is now and he feels I’m “misleading” him over dumb things like standing up on the back of a motorcycle with a guy from my past. I don’t think he sees the whole picture because he’s too busy trying to pick at the details of my past. It’s become an obsession for him, anything he “swore” I said HAD to be said. He’s “really good” with remembering every single thing I said and swears he never mistakenly misunderstood or got something mixed up.

      Details of ten years of my life this guy thinks he can remember word for word. I’m being accused constantly for things I never said, the relationship has gotten exhausting and stressful. I just wish he could leave it alone, it doesn’t even matter anymore. I say run before he impregnates you and you’ll be defending yourself for ever.

      • John Williams

        You made the bed you’re lying in.

    • Sally Amorim

      I agree with previous responders – this guy is not normal woman need! Escape from him as fast as you can!
      I suppose it will be hard for you to switch your attention to another person in the beginning, but you really need to make yourself do it, because it is the only way. I can recommend you a good book, it is for free.
      I’ve read it and in several months met a good man. Now he is my husband 🙂

  • Jack

    Coming from the other side, I disagree.

    Honesty in a relationship is the most important factor. Once either party lies, there is no trust. The idea behind a marriage is to hang out with your best friend everyday. When out for the day, to look forward to coming home and hanging out together.

    I am actually married (very unhappily) to a woman who lied to me 17 years ago about a guy. When we first started dating, we spoke of our pasts. She mentioned this one friend that she never slept with, kissed, or even held hands. Once we got married, I confronted her again, and found out that she was actually pregnant by him (had a miscarriage/abortion, she still keeps that as a secret). To make things worst, while we were married, she still kept in touch with him.

    In short, it’s been a big mess for me emotionally and our marriage never got better. I was hoping that my feelings of mistrust would eventually go away, but they never did (17 years now). I live with a broken heart. Many times I wish we just never got married. We simply live together for the sake of the kids.

    I say, if you can’t be honest and best friends, don’t get married. I spent lots of money seeing psychologist instead of spending it on my wife. At the end of the day, if either of you is going to be miserable, just tell him that this is not going to work.

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