Question asked by Louise –
I have been in contact with an old boyfriend, he is living with someone (for 10 years) and we haven’t seen each other in 20 years. I made the first contact when my husband left me for someone else and that was about six months ago. My old friend will call me once or twice a month to see how I’m doing, and we will joke around on the phone only. The other day we were talking about internet dating and some losers on there. He said I could meet his brother who is now separated. I said that I would feel too uncomfortable because of the past my friend and I had shared. He says it wouldn’t bother him at all. Could that be true, or was he just being cool?
He’s being quite honest. If he had a hang up he would never have suggested it in the first place. The relationship you shared with him 20 years ago would just be a distant memory in his mind; moreover he is in a steady relationship for the past 10 years so he’s “hooked up”. Fair to say that he is not emotionally attached to you and only looks at you as friend presently.
The type of bond most brothers share is not the same as what most sisters share. A guy mostly looks up to his brother as a buddy as time goes by; so there’s no difference between him suggesting you hook up with his “brother” or with one of his friends. Of course, the only reason he’s suggesting this is because he no longer has any emotional bonding with you. If he had any emotional attachment with you he would have refrained from suggesting a likely partner in his brother.
It’s understandable that you are slightly uncomfortable about dating his brother but if you reason out logically, his brother and him are two different people altogether and you are making the connection purely in your mind. If he has no problems with the arrangement why should you have any discomfort with it? Your ex boyfriend knows you as a person, so the fact that he suggested that you date his brother shows the respect he has for you. He obviously knows you to be a “nice” person else he would not have suggested his brother as likely partner.
It looks like a good arrangement. You can be sure that his brother is “okay” because he comes with a referral from your ex boyfriend, who is a good friend of yours now. So you don’t have to start off on any blind dates, which is what happens when you go in for internet dating or such other portals. Moreover, your ex boyfriend knows you as a person and he also knows his brother as a person, so if he’s suggesting a likely pair up he’s doing so with full knowledge about the fact that you guys might be compatible. This is more true if your ex-boyfriend is a good judge of personalities.
It’s much more advisable to date people you’ve known through a referral than to go in for “blind” ventures like internet dating. Of course there is a good possibility that you might find someone compatible through internet, there are many relationships that have been forged through the power of internet, but it does take some luck. Here you have the good fortune of a reliable referral, so you may as well follow up on it.
Most guys are very laid back and honest about their feelings. The fact that he suggested that you date his brother just shows that he is completely okay with it. It’s not like you asked him about it, he was the one to suggest it. If you are still not comfortable with the arrangement, just try to question the reason for the discomfort. It’s been 20 years, so just put the thought out of your mind that you are dating the brother of your ex boyfriend. Look at his brother as your prospective “date” and decide if you are compatible with him. If things work out well you guys can share a big happy family.