Boyfriend Not Talking With Me As Before After I Refused Sex

Published on: May 21, 2015

Question asked by Christine – I have been talking and seeing a guy for about 3 months. We have been out to eat a few times and I have been to his house a few times. After going out to eat a few times, I stopped over his house and he asked if I was interested in him and I said, ‘yes’. He replied he was interested in me as well. We kissed and then later that evening we were sitting on the couch and he asked me if I wanted to take it to the next level. I replied that I didn’t know him very well and wasn’t ready to take it to the next level, (he wanted to have sex). His reply was, you don’t know me that well!

Then he said that I would have to let him know when I was ready to take it to the next level. He said on a different day after this that he was scared of a relationship because women muck things up. I don’t hear from him very much and wonder what should I think that he is thinking right now? He says he doesn’t want or have any expectations in me, but his body language says different. Although, since I told him I wasn’t ready for Sex, he is not as talkative as he was before. I don’t know what to think at this point. Can you offer any advice?

Hi Christine,

The guy is just playing with you; in-fact he’s putting on his “come after me” act. You rejected his proposition for sex, and you’ve left him a bit frustrated. Now he is playing the drama of being the “hurt” guy and thus seeking to evoke emotions of sympathy from you in the hope that you will “melt” enough to allow him to take you to bed. In a nutshell, he’s trying to manipulate your emotions. You don’t have to fall for it.

Why is he using emotional manipulation?

The reason why he said something like “I am scared of relationships because women muck things up”, is because he wanted some sympathy talk from you. He wanted you to feel “bad” for him, and thus be tender and loving towards him. He wants you to say something like, “Oh I am so sorry honey, I won’t be the girl who mucks up your life, whatever you want from me I will give it to you”. Basically he’s looking for sympathy sex. Many guys end up manipulating their girls this way without releasing that they are being “weak” in doing so.

You seem to be a very intuitive girl, and that’s a good thing. You could sense that though he was saying things like “I don’t want anything and don’t have expectations from you”, his body language was belying his true intentions. He wants sex from you (and that’s not a wrong thing), and he was quite surprised that you resisted sex in spite of 3 monts of courting. So now he’s a little impatient and so he’s trying a few emotional “manipulation” tricks.

You don’t want sex because you are not attracted enough

From your words it’s quite clear that you are “undecided” about your feelings for this guy. The fact that you rejected sex even after going around with him for 3 months, suggests that this guy does not evoke “attraction” in you. Any girl who is “attracted” to a guy would allow for sex or at least some level of physical intimacy with him, because she can’t help her impulse. For girls, attraction is the “scale” through which they decide when to allow for sex and deeper relationship. So it’s evident that you are not as attracted to this guy as you would like to be.

There’s no need for you to be confused. Things are quite clear – you are not very attracted to him as yet, your feelings for him are not deep enough. So obviously your body is not responding sexually towards him. So even though you say “I don’t know what to think at this point”, subconsciously you are quite clear about your position. Simply put, you don’t really love him. You might be interested, but you are not really attracted. Something about him seems to repel you or cause you to not feel the level attraction you would have liked to feel.

Emotional manipulation is a trick that most guys use when they run out of options. He is basically trying to make you feel bad about rejecting sex to him. If you feel bad enough you will obviously condescend to sex, unfortunately doing so will only leave you feeling empty and exploited at some level. This is why guys who use emotional manipulation always end up in messed up relationships. But most guys never learn.

As a guy the best advice for him would be to behave with integrity, and not muck around with emotional manipulation tricks. He should give you the space to allow you to feel comfortable with him to the point where you are ready to have sex. He needs to behave in a manner that increases your attraction for him; in a nutshell he needs to behave with more integrity and character. Some guys get desperate for sex and thus lose their integrity and end up using manipulation tricks. But this only lets them down further in the eyes of the girl, who can subconsciously feel that she is being manipulated.

So what do you do from here?

The fact that you refer to him as “a guy” instead of “my boyfriend”, shows that you don’t have any deep feelings for him. So right now it’s best that you lay off for while, it shouldn’t be so difficult for you since you don’t really love him right now. When this guy sees that you are not falling for his emotional manipulation, he will try more emotional manipulation tactics. But now you know.

So where does the relationship go from here? In all likelihood it might just be over, basically because this guy is getting desperate for sex and you don’t have the right feelings for him. The more desperate he gets the more your attraction will dwindle and die. So it becomes a downhill ride.

Just remember that you don’t have judge this guy for being manipulative. Most guys do that, and most girls do that also, when their needs are not being met. So don’t be critical of him and don’t judge him. May he just needs to “grow up” a bit more, and he will do fine. Whether you want to be with him or not is purely your choice. Guys do change with time and become mature. If you sense something good in him, and you feel that he really likes at some level, then by all means try to stick around in the relationship till you start feeling attraction for him. But if you don’t feel attraction, you won’t be happy in the relationship. It’s your call from here on.

  • Carine

    It happened to me also and I haven’t seen this player since. I was so lucky because he would have left anyway. Either I had have sex with him or not and worse, I knew later that he had three girlfriends.

    Later I met my husband, he is younger and wealthier than any man I met before. We had sex only few weeks before marriage ;). We got married because we both share the same passion, our JOB. When I met him My heart knew the search was over.

    I am still sorry for this kind of men who cannot do anything good to themselves. I respect men who are true to themselves and who don’t try to lure decent girls.