My boyfriend and I recently we had a fight.
We are in a long distance relationship and our modes of communication is through text, call and skype when we can’t meet each other.
He was busy and couldn’t contact me often but he didn’t explain his situation clearly which led me to misunderstand him and I became passive aggressive. We hadn’t Skyped during that time due to our schedules. This continued for 2 weeks and he stopped contacting me.
He was ignoring me and when I told I was feeling hurt by his actions through text, he didn’t respond. He doesn’t pick up my calls and lately I told him I desperately needed to talk to understand the situation. We spoke and he said he feels I’ve changed and said he needed time. We agreed to talk about it soon, fixed a date but I’m not sure if he would call.
We are in a serious relationship but these statements are making me insecure and I don’t know if we are going to break up. I want this relationship to work but I can’t be the only one willing to make it work. He said we will talk about this.
How do I deal with this? What should I do to show him I haven’t changed and it was just miscommunication and misunderstandings at play? Deep down I believe he is serious about me but I’m a very anxious person and I overthink and it’s making me think of the worst things that can happen.
Long distance relationships are the most challenging, so kudos to you for your willingness to be patient and make it work.
Due to the fact that your boyfriend has been busy and out of touch for a while, you may have felt worried that he is no longer interested in you. It sounds as if you didn’t understand that he was truly busy, and you became anxious about why he wasn’t contacting you.
Because you didn’t want to lose your happiness and security, your fear may have urged you to act in a way that may be out of character.
You wrote that you were passive aggressive toward your boyfriend, and now he thinks you have changed. Your anxiety was likely fueling you to act in a way that gave him cause for concern.
The first step to repairing your relationship is learning to honor your emotions. We tend to become passive aggressive when we have emotions that we do not feel that we are worthy to have.
For example, maybe you felt hurt that he wasn’t prioritizing time to connect with you. Additionally, some part of you may have felt guilty for wanting attention. Therefore, you may have tried to mute your pain. He probably felt still felt it and it caused him confusion.
Reducing Passive Aggressive Behavior
To reduce having repressed anger, you must do some “self-work” and begin to accept and honor your emotional state.
Start by noticing when you are having an unwanted emotion and allow it. Then take a closer look at why you are afraid of feeling that emotion. Often it may be fear of rejection. Don’t judge the emotions or fears, but simply be aware that they present.
After you acknowledge your unwanted emotions, consider what unmet needs you have.
In your case, you needed clear communication from your boyfriend that he would be busy for several days and would not have time to Skype with you.
Finally, clearly tell him your needs giving space for him to communicate his point of view.
For example, at the onset of your concern, you might have told him that you hadn’t heard from him and you miss talking with him. You’d like to talk daily or weekly (whatever your need is), and if he is too busy, you would appreciate it if he could give you a head’s up so you would know to expect less.
Obviously, it is too late to go back and change the past. Therefore, accept what has already happened with a compassionate heart.
By looking through a lens of kindness toward yourself, you will be able to learn and change more easily. Give yourself permission to feel all of your emotions. This recognition will free you to act with care before feelings spiral out of control.
Repairing the Situation
You are exactly right! Relationships are not one sided. Happy couples not only openly communicate their needs, but they also listen to each other and ask for clarification when they are confused.
You are already beginning to set things right by acknowledging how miscommunication played a role in the situation.
1.) Speak to him on the phone instead of texting him
First, it would be best if you can get him on the phone or Skype. Texting is notorious for the miscommunication to which you have been an eyewitness. Texts leave the tone of the conversation up to the reader’s imagination.
2.) Apologize to him
Apologize for any passive aggressive behavior; take responsibility for it. However, do not apologize for feeling concerned.
3.) Clearly explain your position
Give him some insight into how you reacted to his distance from you.
Get straight with him about your worries, how they twisted your brain, and how you wished you handled it differently.
4.) Your feelings matter!
In the future, take measures to kindly and clearly communicate your needs and concerns. Tell your boyfriend what you need for the relationship to be happy and healthy.
5.) Use a keyword to express your situation
If he is open to it, you can suggest that the two of you use a key word in during texting that means, “Hey, I’m feeling anxious about things.” Then when either of you needs some extra support, you will be able to just say the key word.
If you do go this route, use it conservatively and wisely, so it does not lose its significance.
Finally, a long distance romance is difficult because each partner leads a separate life. However, it can also be an opportunity for you to grow your own sense of security that will help you in the long run. If you take time to care for your inner-self, you will find an unshakable peace in your relationship and in all aspects of your life.