My Boyfriend Is Confused About Our Relationship

Question asked by Alice - My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. When we first met he was just getting out of the Military after a few years. We were both excited to be together and I was worried he might go back home like his original plan was to do, but he decided to stay and give our relationship a try and go to school out where he was originally stationed. After a few months we moved in together, it was hard at first getting used to living with each other but it was fun as well. We were both happy with the decision and had a blast cooking together and even talked about how we were both “the one” for each other. We enjoy being together and he has always treated me like a lady. Now all of the sudden, he tells me he needs time to think and figure things out and that he’s really confused. He says he’s going to go home for a while and see how he feels after his spring semester is finished up. I asked him if we were breaking up and he said he doesn’t know, he said he doesn’t want to leave and realize he’s made a mistake because he still cares for me and has strong feelings for me. Although he says he doesn’t want to lead me on, he has talked about me going to move back home with him and what it would be like but that he needs to go home and figure things out for a few weeks.

The thing is he’s had home sickness before and has gotten through it by going home and texting and calling me telling me he misses me and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but before it was just home sickness and feeling like he doesn’t belong where I am from. Now it’s all of the above and staying with me in our relationship. So I’m really confused as to what he needs from me. He knows I would go with him and I love him very much. I have asked him to sleep in the other room because I don’t know how he feels about me right now and it did seem to make him sad but he agreed that it was fair to me. He says he doesn’t want to hurt me but then I find him asking me to go hang out and eat with him and he even still wants to play fight and laid with me in bed one night before I feel asleep, then retreated to his room. The main thing is he doesn’t have an answer for me and he says he just needs to think and go back to his roots and realize who he really is since the military changed so much about him. What should I do? Do I back off or hang out? I don’t want to loose him I want to give him his time an I hope he comes running back to me and asks me to go with him. This is so unlike him it’s scaring me, he has never lead me to think something was wrong in our relationship. Does he just need time to realize how much he loves me and what he’s losing.

He said “I love you” first, he has always taken the first step in our relationship and said my heart was safe with him and now he truly does seem confused and it’s killing me. What does he want from me? How can I help him through this? We still have a great time hanging out right now, just no kissing or sleeping together or telling each other we love each other. But he has moments where he hugs me really tight and kisses me on the head like he still really loves me and feels torn. He said when he feels confused he tries to picture himself 20yrs from now and see what he's doing and I said "am I there with you" and he said it's funny because part of me thinks well laugh about this someday and say we almost didn't make it. I'm so confused as to what to do, I love him so much but I don't want to hope for something that he may not want or will work out.



Hi Alice,

The only truth that always holds is that – “In the end, Love wins the day”

If you truly love him and desire him, it’s a given that you will find him in your life. Love is a very strong force and it has the power to bring the whole universe to its knees. From your words it’s very clear that you love him deeply and sincerely. You are very clear in your mind about your feeling for him, and you are completely committed to him. This is good news, because if you were unclear about your feelings then it would be the end of the relationship but your clarity is sure to hold it together. Stay with it.

Guys are impulsive beings. Most guys, as they become men, get quite concerned about their purpose and their position in the society. They also get ambitious and feel a drive to get something going for themselves in the way of a career or business. Men have been the “protectors” and women have been the “protected” ever since the primitive ages, this tendency has not changed in men even though women have become completely independent financially and culturally, truth be said it has not changed in women either. So right now your boyfriend is going through the phase of “what’s my purpose”.

In life, change is permanent. Everything changes, or rather “evolves”. This is true for relationships also. A relationship cannot remain in the same “vibration” all the time. It has to evolve to keep pace with the changing minds, and outlooks, of the partners involved. This does not mean that the relationship has to end, in fact, as it evolves, the relationship has the opportunity to get deeper and more meaningful. Most people panic when they see their relationship changing, and start thinking all the negative things possible. But in truth, if you stay positive during the change you will be amazed at what flowers at the other side.

Allow your boyfriend the space to figure out his confusion. It can take a couple months, or may be even a year at the worst, but he will have it figured it soon enough. Just give him the space and time, without pressurizing him in any way. Stay true in your love for him, and keep faith. Don’t do anything impulsive, like breaking off even when you feel that you are not sure where you are standing. Give it time, simply because you love him sincerely. True love always cuts through the dregs of time.

From your description it’s quite clear that your boyfriend is in love with you too, and it looks like a deep love. He’s just uncertain about where his life is headed, and like most men, he’s does not want you to be a part of his confusion. He’s not trying to break up with you, it’s just that he’s wants to be clear in his mind about where he’s going in his life. He is feeling a little insecure about his future, and he’s pushing you away because he does not feel so confident in his ability to take responsibility for the relationship. This will change as soon as he finds some grounding in his life, just let him figure it out.

Most guys are quite oblivious to their emotional standing. He may not even know how much in love with you he really is, until he is away from you. The good news is that your boyfriend does not seem to be “the playboy” type who will ditch and run, neither does he seem fickle minded. He comes across as a strong individual who is just confused presently about what he wants from his life.

Just relax and let things happen for a while. Don’t let negative thoughts disturb your peace of mind. Stay true to your heart and don’t take any impulsive decisions, even if he does so. He might get distant from you for a while, but don’t take it as a sign that your relationship has ended. It’s just a phase, let it pass. Stay patient and you will find your love winning the day.






Your Comments

Mel said..
I have the same exact story. It's scary to almost hear it from someone else. So I am curious what happened? I am tired of waiting for my boyfriend. Same military thing, school thing, moving back home thing.

Staying Positive said..
Similar situation for me, except my boyfriend is trying to figure out his future in terms of graduate school and isn't sure where I fit. Let's all keep each other posted. Best wishes to you girls! We are not alone.

Sandra said..
Me as well. Mine plays soccer professionally and is always moving all over the world at risk of being traded anytime. He recently told me that he worries about what will happen with us if he has to leave and that I deserve someone with a stable life to offer me. We are still together, but the fact that he said he doesn't know what he wants really scares me. Why can't we just enjoy the present time and let things happen on their own instead of stressing out so much?

Hope said..
My boyfriend is confused these days too. But it's more the opposite, cause he was supposed to move to my country and now he is unsure about us cause he feels like "something has changed" but he still loves me and doesn't want this to end. I also feel like he is stressing it all way too much, but it's nothing I can do about it. For the first time we haven't planned when we will meet next time. I am not going to stress him; I feel he needs to sort things out. He still calls every day and text me how much he loves me! Good to know I'm not alone, but I'm sad to hear that you girls suffer too. Good luck to you all! And keep posting!