Boyfriend Still Keeps In Touch With His Ex And I Hate That

Published on: October 22, 2016

Question by Mavelle

Recently, I saw a picture of my boyfriend and his ex on a birthday celebration of the girl’s nephew. When I saw their picture, I asked him right away if they have a relationship or they got back together, but he repeatedly denied that they have something in between. I kept on asking him on why he didn’t tell me about going to that event, but he’s not giving me concrete answers, and we just ended up arguing about it.

I freaked out because his ex keeps on insulting me on her Twitter account, and I don’t want him to have any means of communication with that girl. And we’re having terrible fights because of her.

We’re still not communicating up to this point in time. I’m worried if he’s going to end up our relationship, and he still have relationship with his ex. What should I do?

Answer by Kelly

Hi Mavelle, I’m sorry this is causing stress for you. I’ll give my opinion and hopefully it’ll help you work towards the right decision.

I know everyone says communication is key, but they say it for a reason. It is the most important part of any relationship, be it family, friends, or a partner.

Is It Okay That He Is Friends With His Ex-Girlfriend?

Let me start with addressing the “friends with ex” issue. There’s no clear-cut answer for whether or not it’s okay to be friends with an ex.

For example, I am friendly with an ex of mine because our relationship ended years ago and neither of us have feelings for each other. We are both in new relationships and have moved on. There is another ex that I have who was abusive to me and harassed me constantly after we broke up. Clearly, I’m not friends with him and if I was, I would be a complete idiot. My current boyfriend is okay that I am friends with the former ex but if I was friends with the latter ex, I know my boyfriend would be very concerned.

It sounds like you had no idea your boyfriend was hanging out with his ex, which leads me to believe there’s a lack of communication in your relationship. I also think it’s inappropriate for him to attend a family gathering of his ex’s and not tell you about it.

Using Non-Accusatory Conversation to Talk to Your Boyfriend

It is certainly not okay that he isn’t communicating with you about why he went to this birthday celebration. But I think you should have started the conversation with something like “I saw a photo of you at your ex’s nephew’s birthday party and it made me upset because you didn’t tell me about it. Why didn’t you tell me?” and go from there.

If you started by saying “Are you back with your ex?”, while I’m sure you were rightfully pissed off, your boyfriend probably got angry that you were accusing him right off the bat. Think about it—how would you feel if your boyfriend immediately jumped to the conclusion that you were cheating on him? You’d probably be hurt and angry that he didn’t trust you.

This is all advice for next time, in your next relationship because you’ve asked me what you should do and I’m telling you to end this relationship because this guy is uncaring of your feelings.

Red Flags in Your Relationship

Firstly, he should not look the other way while his ex is insulting you on Twitter and the fact that you have to tell him to stop talking to her, instead of him deciding on his own that cutting contact is the right thing to do is a sign that he’s not good enough for you.

Exes can cause a lot of stress in a relationship and it’s not your responsibility to deal with your boyfriend’s ex. It’s his responsibility and he’s clearly not dealing with it.

The fact that you are worried he’ll break up with you and you’re worried he’s cheating on you are signs that your relationship is unhealthy.

Saving Your Relationship

If you don’t want to end your relationship, you need to have a serious talk with him face to face and lay out all of your feelings. Be sure to stay level-headed and don’t raise your voice at him. It’s important that you tell him all that you are feeling without accusing him of cheating on you.

For example, “I feel hurt that you aren’t sticking up for me, and I worry that you might be seeing your ex behind my back.” Instead of, “I can’t believe you aren’t sticking up for me. You’re cheating on me, aren’t you?” because that is when the discussion turns into a full-blown argument.

I am sure you are smart enough to know whether or not your boyfriend is being faithful. Relationships should not cause pain. Yes, they can be difficult at times but if you and your boyfriend work together, you can build a stronger relationship. If you are consistently sad and worried, feeling like you’re walking on eggshells in this relationship, ending that relationship is the best choice for your well-being.

Good luck.