A human being is dominated by two forces – the mind and the heart. The force which is dominant in your life will determine the quality of your relationship. A mind centric life is very chaotic and unstable because it constantly wants “entertainment” and pleasure; it’s needy. A heart centric life on the other hand works from wholeness and love.
Most human beings have been trained to be mind centric, thanks to the societal conditioning which indirectly encourages “greed” and competition. A mind centric person is high on “ego” and perceives everything from the point of “what can I get from it”.
A relationship between two “mind centric” people is usually a love-hate one, which oscillates between love and hate periodically. With time, hate starts becoming more dominant and love fades away; the relationship becomes dead or lifeless.
The good news is that our natural pull is always towards the heart. Men and women have equal opportunity to stop being mind centric. If we just stop trying to analyze, judge and manipulate everything, we automatically start functioning from the heart. This is an effortless state of being, where the wisdom of life itself guides you. Women were naturally heart centric, but in today’s day and age with the prevalence of feminism, and other sexist ideas, women are becoming alienated from their natural tendency to function from the heart.
A relationship which has even one partner who is heart centric has a great chance of lasting for a lifetime. If both partners are heart centric it makes for a very harmonious and fulfilling relationship. There is bound to be some “mind” interference every now and then, but what’s important is that the dominant force should be the heart. As a woman, you have a higher capability of functioning from the wholeness, from the heart, and thus balance out any mind centric inclinations in your relationship.
As a woman, here are few tips to make your relationship more “heart centric”.
Be the “space” for his emotions
It’s very unnatural to suppress emotions, but the mind is always trying to keep its distance from any emotion that it perceives as “negative”. The mind is naturally inclined towards good emotions and shuns the bad emotions. So if your partner is in a good mood you tend to get close and if your partner is in a negative mood you tend to distance yourself, this is what happens in a mind dominated relationship. The mind always wants to protect itself from negative emotions, but this an unwholesome way of living because you are negating an integral part of humanness.
When you allow your partner to express his negative emotions like fear, guilt, frustration, incompetence, unease, restlessness and anxiety, he will bond with you deeply and trust your presence in his life through the good times and the bad times. If you distance yourself from him every time he acts like a “loser” (according to the mind), you give him a message that your love is very conditional to his behavior.
Don’t judge him for his failures
Some women tend to judge men, unconsciously, for attributes like manliness and strength. Men have soft corners too, it’s just that they have learnt to disassociate from expressing their vulnerabilities for the fear of being ridiculed. It’s so easy to judge someone negatively and that’s the mind’s stock and trade. All men are prone to insecurities and fears; it’s just that some do a better job of hiding it than others. It’s totally ridiculous to always expect a man to stand up to the “stereotype” model of what he should be – bold, courageous, decisive, ambitious and robust.
Men are scared to reveal their “sensitive” side for the fear of being judged as “weak”. Many women actually scorn a man if he comes across as being sensitive, or if he’s not the so-called “winner”. A human relationship should have nothing to do with what the other person has achieved or accomplished in life, but more to do with the bonding based on understanding and compassion. True love never allows for judgment.
Be who you naturally are
None of the tricks really work in the long run. Who you are as person will be revealed sooner or later no matter how hard you try to hide it through pretence. The mind is always making the effort to look “good” in the eyes of the others, always judging itself and trying to trick others into believing that you are different.
You can’t have a long lasting relationship if it’s based on a lie. You must let your partner know who you truly are, even at the risk of losing him. If you are insecure and weak willed, you must expose this part of your personality to him. He should know you for who you really are. If he tries to judge you for it, or tries you exploit you, then he’s definitely not suited to be your partner in the first place. Don’t try to act “cold” when you are feeling tender inside.
The person who accepts you unconditionally for who you truly are is the person who will stay the course of the relationship. Moreover, since you don’t have to pretend with this person, there will be an “effortlessness” in your relationship which will guide you through the rough patches. Be willing to be true always, and encourage your partner to be open about who he really is by assuring him that you will not judge him for it.
Always remember “this will also pass”
Life is just bundle of experiences. All experiences are short lived, the good ones and the miserable ones. When your relationship is going through a rough patch, it’s easy to throw in towel and call it the quits. The mind always takes the path of least resistance, and running away always seems to be an easier option. Long lasting relationships happen between people are willing to stay the course, through the sunshine and the storm.
When ever you run into a rough patch in your relationship, always remember that “this will also pass”. Just be patient and understanding. Don’t give in to the negative emotions, such as fear, guilt, anxiety and resentment, that might arise in you during these times. It’s human to make mistakes, we all do it; the beauty of our born nature is that it’s imperfect. Allow for imperfections and stay the course. Don’t even allow “break up” as an option.
The only situation to ever quit on a relationship is when you feel you are being exploited or used in anyway. If you partner is trivializing your feelings by cheating on you, or abusing you, then it does not make sense to stay put. Love, respect and trust always go hand in hand.