Question from Brooke: I met my boyfriend when he was a freshman and when I was a sophomore in high school. Our friends set us up and 2 weeks later it was over because of their constant involvement. However, after that year, he fell in love with me and tried for 2 years to get me to date him. Finally, my senior year, I dated him and we lasted until a month after my graduation. I broke up with him because I was having issues with college (I planned to go into music but changed literally at the last minute to business and was second guessing myself) and I felt like I needed some space to think. I was unsure of my feelings at the time as well but he insisted that we were made for each other. After about 3 months (now September), I was coming back from college and decided to see him (we had been talking for a couple of weeks or so on the phone) and we got back together that same night. Everything was perfect after that. He supported me with all my career decisions.
I dropped out of college that first semester and worked so I could go to community college for baking & pastry arts the next semester but once the summer came, I realized I wouldn’t be happy without music. He’s also a music major and was taking lesson from this guy and they both helped me get on the right track. Around March was when I completely fell for him. Like there is no doubt in my mind that we were made to be together forever and he feels the same. We were talking about marriage and he said that he would like for us to be engaged sometime after he settles into college. So now it is the end of July of this year (he graduated from high school and is leaving for college) and we started having arguments about everything. He plays video games a lot and I would get jealous because all I could think about was that he would be going away. He calls me everyday because its quite a drive from each others house and we only see each other on the weekends and maybe once a week if we’re lucky. It is now August and on Thursday, he doesn’t call me or text me and I hadn’t seen him since the Saturday before and we were supposed to do something on this Friday. So he calls Friday and says that he’s breaking up with me because he’s confused about how he feels about me and that he thinks that I think of him as the “obsessive kid he was back in high school”. I honestly have not thought of him as be obsessive since we’ve been together and it hurts me to think that he was so in love with me but all of a sudden he’s not sure. Of course, I cried like a newborn child and begged him back and what-not. The next day, after I calmed down and thought about it, I told him that he was right, we need some time apart and that this is good for both of us. Two days later, he says he’s in a relationship with this girl from another school. Of course, I called him and asked if he cheated on me and he promised me that he didn’t and that they’ve been hanging out for a couple of days and it just happened. I got kind of desperate and asked if we could see each other in a couple weeks and if we had a chance of getting back together. He responded saying that he wasn’t sure but not if I kept acting like I was. So I stopped and got off the phone and I haven’t talked to him since then. Today is now the Friday after the break up and yesterday, he sent me a message saying that he’s not going to hang out with me. Then that night, one of his friends that I’m close to said he had big news. My boyfriend moved into college on Monday and had already dropped out and was back home. He’s planning to get a job and work for a year and then go to community college and then a university of a different choice. I’ve talked to about 20 different people about the situation and they’ve all said that he’s a jerk give up and stuff. But I still want him back and I am willing to do anything. I’ve been working on being strong and confident and I’ve jumped head first into the music stuff at school (I’m at a different community college so I still live at my home) so I’ll be busy with that. But even so, I want him back. There is still not a doubt in my mind that he loves me and wants to be with me and I want to be with him forever. I’ve fallen in love with a guy before but not like this. This is something that feels so great and yet I feel so much pain but the happiness is worth all the pain in the world. It is still a little early, I’m sure you’ll say that since it’s only been a week but I’m done crying and whining and I am confident that he is worth it. Can you please give me some advice?
It’s really strange but most relationships, in which a girl is older to a guy (even by a year), usually ends up in some form of “negativity” owing to the guy feeling that he’s being treated like a kid. The reason could well be that most guys reach “emotional maturity” at a pace slower than girls, so if a guy is younger to a girl there might well be a gap of emotional maturity between the two. So the girl might be more mature, in several behavioral aspects, as compared to the guy, which might make him feel as if he is being a kid in her comparison. So in order to stop feeling this way the guy would usually try hooking up with a younger girl, and the previous relationship starts going downhill from there. This is simply a sign of “immaturity” on the part of the guy, because it’s his own insecurity that forces him to break up with a girl who in love with him, just because he feels “like a kid” when compared with her.
Once he becomes mature enough to appreciate true love, he will be in a better place to have a stable relationship. For now, he seems to be confused and erratic in his thinking. The fact that he hooked up with a girl, just two days after he announces his break up, shows that he’s just trying to fill in his insecurity with impulsive relationships. Many guys complicate their lives by rebounding into “hasty” relationships to fill up the gap that they feel from missing their previous relationship.
He was definitely in love with you, there is no doubt about it and it’s very possible that he is still in love with you but now he’s got some insecurities going through his mind that are causing him to block out his heart. “College year” love can be painful for this very reason, because guys are usually very confused during this part of their life. They have to think about their career, their purpose in life, their meaning and their place in the society, on top of that they are also in a position to determine if they are ready to be bound to a committed relationship or keep their options open to meet other girls and experience more relationships before settling into one. Some guys (and girls) can be very fickle minded during these years, it all depends on their maturity level.
The best recourse for you right now is to meet up with him and sort things face to face. One should never break up over a phone in the first place, especially when you have a serious relationship going (this just shows how “immature” your boyfriend is from the emotional front). It’s important that you meet up with him, and have a talk with him regarding your feelings and what you are going through. You need to see his reaction and evaluate if he is still in love with you or if he has changed his attitude towards you completely. Once you see his reaction, and his behavior, face to face you will be in a better position to handle things – it could be that the two of you make up or it could be that he refrains from wanting to get back. Either case, it’s best if you confront him in person rather than through texts or calls. The two of you have been in a serious relationship long enough to consider marriage, so this is not how it’s supposed to be ended. He needs to come clean with you, and sort things out with you, instead of just running away from the relationship. If he refuses to meet you, just go over to his place and talk it out – it’s not that you are being desperate it’s that you have the right, it’s not don’t that you just get ignored as if all this meant nothing at all to him.